A Weird Feeling

Despite confessing a weird spirit is hovering over me.

I feel afraid that grace won't come. For a rebuke or a slap. I know it is deserved and even provoked. Yet I am really thankful. Thankful for a God that loves and forgives.

I feel like I don't deserve His grace. I feel like as grace is being poured onto me from overhead and I'm doing my best to avoid it. I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy. I can do all but restrain myself from reaching out and seizing the hands that are holding on to me.

Let go. I don't deserve it.

You don't. But I love you. I'll never let go.

Why? Why are you so good to me? What can I do to pay you back? How can I possibly respond?

Man, I'm getting mushy. It's okay you can let go now. I'm okay. I'm okay.

But secretly, I don't want to be let go. I have my pride. I can't stay a child forever. I need to venture off and explore on my own. Grow up and be independent. But secretly I wish we can stay like this forever. In a warm embrace. I hope I never grow up.

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Learning to walk is scary. I'm a little kid that wants his daddy to carry him. Carry me, carry me. Sometimes He listens I am so happy. Sometimes He says it's time to learn how to walk. Every step I take is a big one. My feet are unsteady and I wobble. It's new and exciting. I take another step, and another. The next thing I know I'm out the gates racing. It's all new and exciting until you realize you're lost. How did I get here? What happened? My dad was following me a second ago, and I got so excited I stopped listening to Him and went exploring on my own.

I need someone to find me. But as panic starts to sink in, I hear His voice. He's calling out to me. Leading me home. As my house approaches in sight I am delighted but scarred. It's my home I grew up there. But I feel bad, I just left it for new and exciting things. Will I feel welcome? Fear of awkwardness of scolding of rejection is gripping me. It is almost enough to turn away from my home and go find a cardboard box somewhere. I am not worthy. I don't deserve this kind of love.

Maybe I'll make some money before heading home. Maybe I'll make a life for myself. I'll bring home some presents that should appease the punishment. I'll work hard, and my father will be pleased.

So as I open the gate and climb up the porch, I see my father looking through the window. Daddy I'm home. He smiles.

What do you have with you?

Um my gifts and offerings turn to shame. How can anything I have measure up to the perfection of my own home. Everything I brought with me seems out of place. They're unneeded. I already have everything I could ever need at home. How foolish to think that I could add to it.

And to top it off He pushes aside the screen door and embraces me in a hug. I see dinner waiting on the counter. He was waiting for me. Preparing for me. He wants to hear about my adventures, and as I tell Him he just listens and laughs. It's like I've never left. No condemnation, no scolding, no mention of the past. He is just proud of me because I'm His son. And He is glad that I came home.

Man, why are you so good to me? Is this what love feels like?

It feels strange. It feels foreign. It feels awkward. It's not what I am used to. I'm afraid that it isn't real. I'm afraid that I might get hurt. I'm used to standing by myself. It's weird just sitting here with Him. My fingers are itching to do something. But I think it's ok to just sit here. It's funny how we make simple things so complicated.

I find my thoughts start to wander. Well what about this summer? What about church? Worry starts to creep in. Anxiety starts to take over. There's a gentle tap on my shoulder.

Hey you're doing it again.

Oh sorry.

Back to more awkwardness.

I recline against him and snuggle my head into His side. I could get used to this. He puts his arm around me and holds me firmly yet gently.

Everything is going to be alright.

I just have have to sit here?

You just have to sit there.

But what about moving? I like moving. I can't be a caged bird. I want to fly. There's so much to do.

He chuckles. Don't worry you'll get to fly eventually. Just trust me. It's going to be great. He starts to tell me of all His plans.

I stop listening. A smile has crept up my face into a grin. Flying is going to be great. And I know Daddy knows best. When He says it's going to be great, it's going to be great. It's going to be spectacular. But for now I'll just have to wait and see.