Sorry for the last minute prayer gathering madness. It fell apart due to my bad planning, and people seemed tired/uninterested. But it's all good God works in His sovereign ways. Apparently people were interested in coming but didn't get the chance to so let's get excited in anticipation for the next one! =]
I just wanted to update you guys with what has happened in the last two days. Blogging helps me sort out my thoughts, and I trust you guys and know that your prayers are the only thing keeping me afloat. God is good and I am so thankful to be blessed by so many supportive friends who have offered different counsel for my situation, and just praying for me is more than I can ask for. Thank you. I know that God is sovereign and He hears our prayers. He will definitely be orchestrating something amazing for me this summer. [John 15:7]
Writing the last paragraph makes me smile. It's always good to hear Truth, and it sounds better to be written down on paper (blog) than to just be swirling around in my head and then tossed back and forth by the waves. Rather than just being weighed down about my decision for VSET, my mind has been playing games with me. For some reason a weightiness or seriousness has consumed my thinking concerning this decision. Although I have smiled and said and believed that God will work things out for sure [Rom 8:28]. For some reason maybe my dramatic, romantic nature is causing me to go into mental panics constantly where I continue to slam the panic button again and again. Or maybe God is telling me this decision is really important.
Because of the seriousness of the decision I have questioned everything. I think this is good practice in general, but for this situation it has been picked through with a fine toothed comb. Why am I going on VSET? Why should I obey my parents? Am I following God? Is this person's counsel biblical? These questions hare swirling around so much in my brain, that I physically gravitate to analyze and see God in every conversation. I have actually corrected people's thoughts and words with what I think is right and God's truth without ever meaning too. My brain is on overdrive and my tongue is even faster before my brain can react. I am living and breathing this decision. I have had to literally sit down in a bathroom and just pray that my tongue would not pierce or slay anyone in the wrong way.
So why VSET?
I believe that VSET is awesome! It is a good opportunity to serve and grow. I feel like going on VSET will definitely help me grow in character and as a discipleship and small group leader. I want to be able to grow a lot this summer so I can take it back to my guys next year, and for the future of Bruin ICA as well. Secondary, is an opportunity to share the gospel and reach out to people. To not be ashamed with Jesus, and to touch and save lives. Also to work in a team of believers and grow together and serving together. To test out the mission field and see if it is God's calling to do one day.
My natural question as doors were closing was, did I discern wrong? Was I going on VSET for selfish motives? Was VSET the "wrong path?" If so where did I go wrong? Did I make a mistake? I believe I did not. I am earnestly pursuing God and His righteousness. And the more I listen to Pastor Min, Francis Chan, and read the Bible the more I know it is important to live what the Bible teaches. Verses that come to mine are Matt 28:19-20, Luke 23:19, Rom 10:13-15. I want to follow God, and the fear that I wasn't following God was probably one of the greatest fears that kept me searching for God's will for me this summer. God literally had to throw the panic switch and convince me through parents, counselors, my grandparents, and my internship (will I get it back?) before I would refuse to obey the call. Although I didn't have the heart when I signed up for VSET, or even that I wanted to go. I believe that throughout the process of "going on VSET" especially in the last couple weeks, I have developed the heart to go. Like Isiah 6:8 "Her am I. Send me!" Maybe like Abraham was tested with Issac, He developed in me the heart to go on missions and now its time to switch gears.
He's calling me home.
Within the last 24 hours which seem like a literal lifetime. I have weighted and considered every situation imaginable this summer. As a side note a big driving force of going on missions was to challenge my parents. I needed to stand up for God and show them that God is real! That God is important! That we need to obey the whole Bible, and not just part of it. This has a lot to do with me growing up as a nominal Christian and having a heart towards the nominal church. Over the last day, God has redeeming a lot of past hurt from my parents. The follow up post I planned on writing yesterday was delayed, because my heart was torn when I was writing it. So much hurt has built over the years that I didn't realize how much baggage I was still holding on to.
I feel like God is calling me to stay home this summer. Is this calling real? I believe so, many versus in the Bible tell you to obey your parents Eph 5:21 says to "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Our parents are placed as authority figures in our lives for a reason. And while I definitely don't do a goo job at it, God has placed them in your life for you do your best to serve them, and to love them. It is your job to ask them for counsel and to get their approval for things. Even if they are not God-fearing, you better respect them. It's in the Bible. Direct disobedience is not to be taken lightly, and should only be done with much prayer, counsel, and peace from God. And to get here God literally had me go through months of VSET preparation to arrive at this conclusion.
But the reason I am staying isn't to obey my parents. To be honest I am completely sure that their basis for me staying this summer is unbiblical. While getting an internship is definitely not a bad or ungodly thing, in fact it can be super godly and even God's will. 1 Th 4:11 says "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we have told you." However for me I feel the call. God has laid it on my heart to go to missions, to not go would be sin.
So why am I staying home this summer?
God is calling me to love them. To submit to them out of reverence for their authority. As important people in my life. To lay down my life for them. (I know big whoop I get to stay home for the summer yay!) But I want to show them that I am serious. That I love them. To go on VSET right now would break my mom's heart in half. Although she is holding on to a foolish worldly fear of never getting a job if I go on VSET. (I have complete confidence that God will provide Jer 29:11) God has given me a new mission field. God has been growing me for the past 4ish weeks? (how long have I started blogging?) And now it's time to bring the gospel back home. My parents have agreed that if I stay home this summer that we can do a Bible Study.
This is actually quite hard for me. How am I supposed to lead my parents? This relationship is already unnatural for a child to take the spiritual leadership of the family. My mom is already resistant towards it. How can she accept wisdom from her son? It's weird and awkward and humbling. How can I speak with authority when I am so young? I am not here to brag about the Bible I just want them to know that they need Jesus. Not just faith and a belief, but a relationship with Him. One where they can stand on their own two feet and hopefully even to make disciples. I don't wish to just rebuke them for their nominal way of living but I want their hearts to change for Christ. And I don't think I can do it. No matter how smart I sound or how much of the Bible I know, only Christ can change their hearts. Only Christ can sort through all the lies in their lives that have helped them to live comfortably over the years, the lies that I have grown up believing that God sent me into a 2 year depression to unroot and throw away. This is going to be hard.
But I have faith. One thing God has been teaching me through this, is to trust in Him! What good does running through ever situation do? What if my mom says this, or what does my mom says that. Who by worrying has managed to add a single hour to his life? Matt 6:27. It is easy for me a master planner to be constantly scheming. God has built my mind to consider every play calculate the odds and act upon the most efficient one. However God constantly draws me back to His play. And His will for me right now is to pray and wait and trust. All the things I struggle with. A friend of mine told me to 'suck it up! hahaha God is teaching you to surrender' I couldn't have put it anymore clearer. I thought I was pretty surrendered for VSET, but God is brining that word to a whole new meaning in my life. While there is much decision making and obeying to be done. There is still even more element of just trusting that God knows what He is doing and to follow Him. Who knows what the future holds?
This wrestling with God has been painful. At times I feel like my heart is split into a million pieces and I can't put myself together anymore. And times like this I just take a deep breath and let out a sigh and say "I trust you God." I have been holding onto 1 Pt 5:5-6
"Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."
A shameful plug for TMS (verses we memorize for church). It's awesome! 90% (some random made up static) of the verses I use are TMS verses. Sure I coughed them down my freshmen year and swallowed them whole. But God is using them to speak to me now two years later. Without them I don't know how I could survive.
Anyways, times like these are keeping me humble. I suffer with pride constantly (a future blogpost in the making). But I am grateful for times and circumstances like these to praise God and allow me to depend on Him. What am I supposed to do? What CAN I do anymore? All I can do is trust that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him. That He will make my path's straight. That He has plans for me. [Rom 8:28, Jer 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6] (I had to look one of those up soo saddness) anyways, times like this keep me from getting proud. And there is no place worse than being proud. Pride is SIN. God OPPOSES the proud. Do you want God to oppose you? There's no way around pride. No excuses. It's in the Bible. But God gives grace to the humble.
Okays I'm done. thanks for listening. My heart is still in turmoil. But keep praying for God to sew my heart back together so I can continue to believe in Him for even greater things. Pray for strength and wisdom in dealing with my family and how to best reach out to them. Pray that God will change their hearts so I don't even have to do anything! And pray that God will give me wisdom to know when to hold my tongue and when to be bold. And lastly pray that I don't have to write another super long blogpost explaining how God has convinced me to follow Him in a completely new turn of events. haha.
Thanks your prayers are as always amazing. So here's a cool idea. Respond how I and the readers of this blog can be praying for you. Remember Rom 8:32 "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
Matt IS going on missions this summer. But only God knows where. =]
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