I think I enjoy being busy, even though this is a bad acronym haha. But I enjoy living out and serving God and people. Satan seems to get me when I'm alone, when I get lost in my own thoughts. Erick Loh said in rally, it's only the grace of God that we can stop looking at ourselves and pry our eyes to look at Jesus. It's easy for me to get caught up in thoughts, worries and lies. To be focused on all my problems and forget that God is still good. I focus on myself rather than remembering to praise God and live for His glory. From Ephesians 5: (the part right before marriage =])
"Be very careful, then how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." - Eph 5:15-20
Also coupled being busy is remember to spend time with God and be filled by Him. Even spending so much time praying last night, (soo awesome, I love how ICA is not afraid to say ok we need to spend a couple hours in prayer, just adoring God, confessing sin, thanking Him, and praying for one another. How lucky I am in to be a ministry who is not afraid to be bold for Him.) I found myself today being exhausted. After VSET meeting I literally crashed. Instead of listening to a sermon as has been my customary behavior as of late, I tired looking for a nice Christian movie to watch and couldn't find anything. I settled instead on "The Cat Returns" by Studio Ghibli which was just alright. And napping for hours of restless sleep.
My parents called in the middle of my nap, and being drowsy. The good news, my uncle hooked me up with an internship interview on Tuesday. The bad news: my parents are super displeased that I am going on VSET. While my parents were pretty fair in sharing their views I was not physically, spiritually or mentally prepared to deal with them today. I ended up pulling the "God card" (God wants me to go on VSET) and arguing with them and did alot of preaching (more for myself than their benefit).
After their phone call, I wrestled emotionally with God. Alot of their arguments make sense. Am I being responsible? Maybe this internship is an opportunity from God? God brought me to UCLA why do I not try harder in my classes? Where is my money for VSET? Am I overloading myself by serving too many things? Do I really know where God is leading me? Have I been praying about it? Am I doing what I want or what God wants? Am I being selfish? Is being a pastor something only I want to do? Am I going on VSET for myself? Am I serving people for myself? Am I screwing up my future? Am I messing up? How do I know what God wants? Do I know God?
Lost in my emotions, my heart was in turmoil. It's easy for me to get this way. This week was awesome and I was really close to God amidst the busyness. Yet, God felt so far away. I had just spent time with Him this morning and all last night. Where was He now? Maybe I was just making up my relationship with Him. My parents seemed to think so. I know alot of Scripture but do I know God?
I like how Satan takes something simple and true and twists it. He took my confidence in God and twisted it and caused me to doubt. He took many truthful accusations of my life, grades, fundraising money, and made me question my own motives. But all he did was force me to do some introspection and spend some real time with God haha. After diving in the Word, I am even more sure that I am following God. Haha, I am almost thankful for the trial of my emotions, so that I can grow closer to God.
"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul."
- Pslam 86: 1-4
I love this Psalm. I know if I seek God, He will show Himself to me (Jer 29:13, John 14:21, Matt 7:7, Luke 18). All I can do is cling onto His word and do my best to follow Him. I guess it's natural for me to worry and get discouraged easily, but I am super glad that following God is not just about emotions. It's a choice to follow God when I want to, and when I don't feel like it. I know if I keep seeking His will, that He will lead me (Ps 119:105). And part of how He leads me is through people.
"Plans for for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." - Proverbs 15:22
So I thank God for all of you. You guys are my friends, my family, my group of friends that know me and support me and rebuke me when needed. So let me know if you disagree with something I write about. Or if God leads you to tell me something. Should I be going on VSET? How can I be sure? How should I treat my parents? I'm praying and wresting with God, but I also know that God blesses me through you. (And hopefully vice versa) So don't withhold your blessing by sharing what's on your heart.
Quick aside: Asian pride is false humility. Prayer is awesome! Sharing is awesome! So let's bless each other by sharing one with one another and leading each other towards God. Even though it might not be explicitly said all the time, but we all want to pray for one another haha. So update us with prayer requests and share details. We can't always read minds and know when to ask how each other are doing. But as friends let's believe in one another and share with one another. We all know we're trying our best to be there for each other in our own way. So let's pray for one another!
- Pray for wisdom for me discerning VSET and summer internships
- Pray for my parents that they will be supportive of me and my passion to follow wherever God leads
- Pray for humility in interacting with my parents and to listen to what they have to say
- Pray for my heart and healing of our broken relationships. God didn't create families to be in disarray and brokenness. It's hard for me to not be supported or even approved by my parents. It's unnatural but I know that God restores.
Thanks maybe one day I'll learn to write more concisely. =]
Your brother,
Matt
"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26
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