French Toast + Omelette

My first attempt at French Toast and an Omelette. Originally I was just going to crack an egg for my ramen but then I realized why don't I just cook anything. I have a lot of sandwich stuff left over especially lunch and meat and cheese. And I've been pretty paranoid about food spoiling every since losing my chicken and vegetables. So here is my first attempt:

I cracked all my eggs, I never know when food will spoil. So I might as well cook them all! I can always save the leftover for another day =]

8 eggs?

Then I wisked? It with a fork to mix in the yolk. Originally I wasn't going to do the toast, but it looked like a lot of egg, and so I decided to try the toast as well. I didn't have milk though so I just used the egg and mixed in 3 something spoons of sugar.

I dipped the bread into my mixture and fired it on the pan. As son as I saw egg being formed I knew this wasn't going to be french toast. Also the bread was really soggy. It kept getting ripped up when I tried to flip it. Maybe I need milk? So I added a piece of cheese and attempted a sandwhich.

Afterwards I put the rest of the egg mixture onto the pan and added in the lunch meat and sliced up cheese. I should have fried it longer, because since I kept flipping it, it was really runny, and I think I burnt it later.

Overall:

Pretty good. It's ALOT of cheese! One or two slices would have been fine. Sugar is awesome! So that's where the toast gets its flavor. And I need more egg, the omelette is more meat with egg than an omelette haha.

So here's attempt #1 feel free to comment. Maybe I'll take more pictures next time. Anyone else know any good recipes to do with a lot of slices of bread? I'm getting tired of sandwiches. =]

Who Am I?

Who am I?

Is it worth finding out? What happens if I find things I don't like?

For some reason this question is important to me. Who am I? What am I living for? What do I want? How do I get there. It seems pretty selfish.

Should I just be who others want me to be? Should I just be what God wants me to be? How about my parents?

Society wants me to be a certain way, so does work, or school. But who am I?

I want to be free. I want to know who I am so I can be proud of myself. But I just find myself surrounded by voices telling me what to do. Go to church. Study more. Come to this event. Be strong don't depend on others. Be honest. Get a girlfriend. You're such a loser. You're so worthless. You can't do anything right. No one loves you. I hate you. You're so selfish.

Who Am I? Does anyone else ask this question? Is it important? Is it weird that I do not know.

Who Am I?

Thanks

The past two days have been really amazing.

The first amazing adventure. God spoke. Finally. In a way that I am continuing trying to understand. He spoke to my emotions. He made me feel again.

I've been living in a dream world, of perfection and imperfection. Of who I wanted to be and couldn't be. Of who I thought everyone expected me to be and how much I failed them. With all these expectations that I put on myself I was drowned and discouraged. I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't think. I lost who I am. Who I was. Who I wanted to be.

And after posting on Friday morning. God gave me a sense of overwhelming peace (a peace that transcends understanding?). I finally believed again. In Him. In me. That I could do things. That everything would be okay. I believed.

The funny thing with belief. It can't be faked. It can't be created. Our hearts are pretty fickle creatures. Sometimes we believe in things that don't make sense. Sometimes we can't believe what is in front of our eyes. But belief changes everything.

It changes our perception of the world. If I believed the sky was purple. Then the sky would appear purple. If I believed I am the happiest man alive, then I can be the happiest man alive. If I believe that I have great friends that are there for me, then I suddenly have great friends. If I believe that I have been abandoned, then I will feel abandoned.

An amazing thing happened on Friday. After being without hope. Trying to forge my own path. Trying to numb the pain by forgoing all emotion. I started to believe again. I started to hope.

I said some pretty nasty things to all of you. I apologize. In my hiding and stealth I ignored the signs. I've been pretty hurt by so many people. That I refused to believe in you. It's easier to hate than believe sometime. Because I am afraid. Afraid of believing and being betrayed. That my belief would be placed in something that isn't real.

But I believe. And God has opened my eyes to see a lot of my own folly. That in my unbelief. The world had adopted a tint of grey. That everything was subpar. But it's funny with a tint of hope, brings many new colors to the world around you.

Thank you. For being there for me. Thank you for wanting to help. Your concern your actions. They mean alot. You guys are amazing. I am truly blessed.

For those wondering how they can help the answer is simple. Help me to keep believing. And believe for me, and with me. Believe that everything will be okay. That everything IS okay. That Life is amazing. Because we have an awesome God. Believe! And share you're unbelief. So we can be in this together.


Waaah haha sorry for the long post. I know many of you were worried so I apologize. For hurtful statements and for causing a ruckus. I do appreciate the attention, and I would love to share my life with you. And hopefully if it's not to scary I would love to see a part of your life too, maybe a little at a time. I love you guys. Thank you. Let's keep on believing.

We're all in this together. <3








Edit: I have a private blog. Would you like access to this private blog? If you want to understand me more then let me know, and give me your email address (gmail?). I would love to include everyone but I think it's better to keep some permissions on it, since I'm applying to jobs and such. It just makes life less complicated. haha. But if you are a coworker, my boss, a friend, or my mommy, just ask and I'll send you the link. =]

help - (editor's title: Release)

lol

okay i promise. this is the last emo blog ever. and my last attempt to cry for help in the most comfortable way i know how to. a blogpost.

dear blog,

life sucks right now. after breaking up with the church and everything i knew that existed. i did like anybody in a breakup would do.

think about what the hell happened?

i gave up so much for her. (i did right? am i just dreaming) overnight twice a week. living in the dorms. leading a smallgroup. going to every event to support her at a time when people were leaving. VSET, staff. I wanted to be everything. Because I believed in her. I believed.


And when push came to shove in a tiring relationship. I could no longer stand on my own two feet. Why is it so hard to love something?

Without support I collapsed. Or started to. Secretly wishing and hoping that some support would come. As I grew weary and vision started to blur i honestly hoped that someone would catch me before I fell to the ground. To sweep me in their arms and say good work. Let's do this together.


I hit the ground.

hard

and alone

and kept falling.

That was June.


Since then I've tried several rebounds. Saddleback. Family. PECC. My old roots. Joyce. Pho and friends. My old habits. Games. Porn. magic the gathering. Final fanatasy.


but you know what? once you've fallen in love, your world turns grey without it.

but this breakup has left me more insecure than i ever thought possible.

who am I?


without her i am nothing. what am i living for? my life has completely disappeared. can i ever fall in love again?

i am so cautious now. so wary. so hurt. everything that remotely reminds me of her drives me insane. i am so defensive. so protective. i cant even do things sometimes. i cant even function. i miss her. or who i thought she was. i loved her. where is she now?

did she ever love me? did she exist? did i just dream her into existence. She made me feel loved. I belonged there. in the church. but for some reason nothing connected. the more i smiled the more my heart sank. because there was no one to share it with. no one to connect to. not in the way i wanted it.

so after months of looking back at what happened? do you know what i want to do. i still want to give her a second chance. i miss her. i loved her. even though she betrayed me. is it a fool's love to love again?

my eyes were disillusioned. i thought she was perfect. i expected her to be. my ideas of perfection were still quite religious. i wasn't totally in sync with reality. my expectations of her far beyond what was real.


i miss her. or maybe more i miss what i thought i was when i was with her. purposeful. loved. how do i get that back? it is a fool's quest.


anyways, like any good person who had just broken up. i expected you guys to be there for me. i'm sorry. i'm a romantic.

visions from tv shows where their friends swoop in to save the hero. no more throwing pity parties. we're here for you.

i mean if you lose your girlfriend you always have your friends right?

well i guess life isn't tv.

i really don't know what i have. i suspect this has more to due about my ability to connect with people than how many friends i 'have'.


i apologize if i am not being clear. it is in my nature to be cryptic. i guess i enjoy having you read me and understand me. you have to figure me out. =]



so here it is pretty straight and simple. i need YOUR help. life is pretty lonely. i didn't even go through the story of the summer, but i feel this adequate enough. basically after living a life so dependent on my lover. i tried living one by myself. to rediscover myself and to figure out who i actually am.

word for the wise, don't try it. its lonely. i did it to protect myself. so i wouldnt have to hurt again wouldnt have to feel again. wouldnt have to be let down again.

but you know what? once youve tasted love. somehow you keep coming back for more.


so im giving you all your bizillionth chance. and you know what. im still hopeful. haha love is blind i guess. but it makes me happy to write this. and honestly i dont expect much anymore. some IMs. maybe a visit from Connie. but when has anyone actually responded to my 'cry for help' posts. I don't know lol.

but with Matt style. The only way I know how to do things. Please tell me how to connect with people. I really only know how to do things one way.

I throw my life at people. story after story. thought after thought. i share. and somehow hope that you'll throw your life back at me. and then we can be friends. and lean on each other. and trust each other. we can be friends.


edit: it's funny. after time and time again. of being hurt. of not connecting. of no one listening to me from blogger land. for all the times you weren't there for me. i still believe. i still keep trying to reconnect. i find that ironic and funny. do you believe in me? will you share your life with me? will you take the chance to trust me? because after all we've been through. I still believe in you.


edit2: or maybe by chance. you don't need me. you already have your God or your special someone. then awesome. im happy for you. cheers to hoping i can find that group and someday share what you have. =]

edit3: i hope i don't regret this post. almost after every post i regret it lol. i can't take back the words i say here. but i think thats part of. sometimes i wish i could write these things and then lock them away. then no one will know of my weaknesses. but i've come too far now. let's see what happens. i have no fear.

Dear Friends,

Dear Friends,

I love you from the bottom of my heart. And I know you guys love me to. To be honest I've been dreaming of this blog post for over a month, but somehow each time I attempt to write it, I always hesitate.

In all, this summer has been super challenging. As in a wave of emotions constantly plaguing my mind and attempting to devour me. Sometimes I fight, sometimes I ignore them, but they're always there constantly reminding me of how worthless I am. Or how much people hate me.

In all I would love to have a personal conversation with each of you who would like to partner with me and helping build each other up. Or basically. I want you to be my friend, and I want to be yours. It's that simple. So let's talk.

I don't need an answer, or religion, or a solution to my problems. I need a encourager and reminder to turn towards God and someone to remind me that I am actually worth something, that I am actually accomplishing something, and that I can do it. It's like that song "These Simple Truths."

To be honest I'm pretty bad at initiating, and I always struggle with self-confidence. I can never tell when someone is actually interested in me or if they are just being polite. Usually it's a mix of both but I personally hate trying to read people and see if they're really ready to commit to me, or if they're just flakey.

So sorry for the long post. You've been warned, and hopefully this can turn into a conversation starter. I am looking for friends. Will you be mine? Can I be yours?

Your brother,
Matt

The Words I Would Say

Last time we spoke
You said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart.
I want to tell you
That I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are.
I know cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths:

"Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope.
You're going to do great things
I already know.
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here.
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day
His love will find a way."
--These are the words I would say

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thLdWPr32yY

Courage & Cowardice (I hate titles)

My first post (ha) and I don't really have anything coherent to say. It's almost midnight here in North Carolina (it's so weird to me that I can't say "on the West Coast" anymore) and I should be in bed cause I have a loooong day tomorrow. But I'm kinda emotionally wired for various reasons so here I am writing instead.

I've been remembering lately what courage it takes to love people. And pursue people. Guys, I love my best friend more than almost anyone else in the whole world. Even though I see her maybe once a year. Even though she doesn't know any of my other friends and doesn't really "get" my current life because it's so far out of her experience. And yet I hadn't called her or spoken to her in a month and a half...until tonight. By far the longest period we've ever gone without communicating.

Why? Well, my first response is "because I'm an idiot". My second, more specific one, is "because I'm afraid". The last time we spoke, she had very definite ideas about what I should do for the summer. I ended up choosing the option that she was totally against. And I didn't call her for a month and a half after that because I was afraid to explain to her, to hear her reaction. I didn't want to hear the polite yet unconcealed disagreement and disappointment in her voice, didn't want to feel small as I explained to her something that I couldn't really logically justify, that I did based on emotion and faith, which are languages she's not really in tune with in this particular instance.

Then she texted me today, saying simply that she loved me and knew which decision I'd made and hoped I was doing okay. Kate is one of the most generous people I know, and I was reminded of that today. It doesn't necessarily mean that she's forgiven me/won't say anything about the decision I made - just that she's forgiven me/is not holding it against me for not talking to her.

So, ridden with guilt and fear and hope, I called her tonight - finally. And got her voicemail. At which I was both disappointed and relieved. I left a message, and I'm going to call her again on Tuesday, after I get back from my camping trip. Please pray for that conversation.

But I guess what this whole thing reminded me of is what a coward I am. I"m so afraid of getting hurt, of feeling like a failure, of hearing my best friend patch over another semi-polite disagreement we have, that I'd rather run and hide for months than actually step up and invest in the relationship. Me, me, mine, mine, my insecurities. If my love for her was less selfish, less focused on me, less fearful, I would've called her a long time ago - because I do know that she needs me, and that she's hurt by my silence.

All of which is to say - 1)I clearly can't love people consistently 2)fear and selfishness must be inextricably linked - I don't know which one creates the other, but for me they're very much tied and 3)this must be what God gives us and makes us then - the opposite. Courage instead of fear, unselfishness and a heart of love instead of selfishness. His love is a burning fire and he promises that it's the same yesterday, today, and forever. I've been asking myself lately why God wants me to change if he loves me. But maybe it's just that I've lost his love in the change - I keep seeing it instead of seeing the bright steadfast love behind it that is so much more important.

Frell my philosophical rambles though - the summary of this post? I'm a coward and I need God.

That is all :)

John 15 + some updates

Intro

So what's the first thing you think about when you hear "John 15."
For me two things come to mind:
1) Jesus is the true vine
2) Bearing fruit

I recall that As Christians we are created to bear fruit, and to do that we must "abide" in Jesus. And those that don't bear fruit are cut off.
=====
John 15

So while dozing off on the 405 on way from home, a sermon on K-Wave brought a new insight that I've never related to John 15 before.

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." Jn 15:2

While on the surface it seems pretty straightforward the impact of this verse had never hit me until today. Especially the second part of the verse. "...while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

Do you see it? We are created for the purpose of fruit bearing but how does the gardener get a plant to bear more fruit? He prunes it! The pastor talked about 3 different methods of pruning, but as I can see all methods of pruning involve chopping something off. Sometimes a church will lose members, or you will be thrust into a new situation that seems to be going badly. Our reaction is often to freak out and panic. "I must have sinned to be put in this situation." Or "I thought God was supposed to protect Christians from evil."

However sometimes, God knows the only way for you to bear more fruit is to prune you. Is to take something away or chop something off. Maybe he wants to work on your pride, or maybe He's going to grow your faith. My favorite example is that God prunes you so that you can experience God in even newer ways than before. If everything goes the same all the time, how can you expect to grow? So God sends you a curve ball to teach you something new and give you a brand new experience of Him.

******

My Summer

For me this summer has been the hardest yet. It's funny if I look back each year since I became a Christian has been increasingly harder. But if I also look back I know I've grown a lot. And I wouldn't trade anything for the experiences that God has brought into my life.

This summer has been a summer of transitions. Living in the apartments, working 9 hours a day. Being tired and lonely. New roomates, new environments. Everything was scary and hard.

But after transitioning to moving home and commuting, my brother went to study abroad and I started visiting friends. It seemed like life would finally start to settle down to a new standard of normal.

This past Saturday was probably the best day of my summer. I got to hang out with alot of people the friday before, and was having a wonderful time with my parents. But that was only the calm before the storm. A bunch of things happened earlier this week. One of which was that I found out that I am probably going to be "Subject to Dismissal" this coming school year.

This past week has been the hardest, most in your face, trying times in my entire my life. My faith has never been more stretched. God placed me here, working 9 hours a day, with a 3 hour commute (altogether) and stretched paper thin. In no shape to stand up to my parents, no friends within distance, and no fellowship to look forward to. Life was hard. And Mon-Wed were filled with multiple ups and downs, sometimes during even during work, and alot of crying and prayer.

But I survived. Somehow due to God's strength. And many brothers who lent me their shoulders to cry on over the phone. I know I've grown a lot, but it's all due to God's grace. Forcing me to rely on Him, to stand up to my parents and be a voice of truth again and again. No one around to lean on, all I can do is depend on God. I've grown to trust Him. That He is leading me, to follow when He says go. And even though it looks like life is falling apart. I know that He is really pruning me. I would love to be "bearing fruit," leading people to Christ, having conversations, discipling, and serving. But instead now is my pruning time of hardship. Where God teaches me to hang on and trust that He knows what He is doing.

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Prayer Requests:
So here's the first list of public requests for me in a while. Some might seem a bit surprising but I would love to talk to you in person sometime if you have questions. =]

1) My parents. Pray that their faith would grow. The recent academic news has shattered any faith they had in me as well as in God. Home is hard, but getting better. My mom is physically stressed and I worry about her. All I can do is pray and ask God to take care of her. I hope that this time will be a lesson for them to grow closer in Him. My mom actually said she didn't believe God gives us trials or takes things away. I hope she will come to terms with Him and I still cling onto a vision of my whole family worshiping God together in my house.

2) School. Figuring out what I am going to do next year. While I am not actually that concerned, since school seems a ways away. Pray that I do get an opportunity to finish my degree, as well as faith to keep believing. Every so often it is easy to curse God and see all the hardships in my life but pray Mark 9:24, to help me believe that He is working through this trial.

3) Looking for a church. Pray that I will find a community probably here around Irvine, though I'm open to my home church, WHEC, or where ever God may be leading me. It feels strange not to have a church to be a part of. Somewhere to know I am supposed to be serving and people who are supposed to support me. Looking for a church has been a hard and long process. But also interesting as well. Pray that it will go smoothly and that I will be patient with God's transition.

4) ICA - I am more or less sure now that God is calling me to move away from the people that brought me up and taught me everything I know about God. I am thankful for the many memories and more importantly all the lessons and bringing me to know Jesus. I will never forget the impact ICA has had on my life. From running away from God to falling in love with Him. ICA will always have a special place in my heart, but for some reason God is calling me to move on. Pray that I will continue to trust as He leads me.

5) Faith. I think this is definitely the area God is growing in me. To trust that He is leading me somewhere. Sometimes it is easy to feel completely lost. I don't have a home, and no immediate support from people. It is easy to feel like I have no where to belong. But I trust that God is leading me. And I will follow. I have learned that to feel secure both parties must stay committed to each other. So as I follow God faithfully I am learning to trust that He is faithful as well.


Thanks Family,
You all mean a lot to me.

Let me know if you ever want to hang out after work.

Love,
Matt

So long

prayer wanted.

I'm so burnt-out.

If you guys could pray that I get rest over these next three weeks that would be great. Just whenever you think of me. Cause there's no way I can come back as the person that left...my kids deserve so much more...and so do I. He never meant for it to be like this.

I'm sick of being so tense all the time
I'm sick of lying awake the whole night
and most of all I'm sick of myself

so...

So long LA
So long self

The Knapsack and the Boulder

There are two different problems or worries that we can carry in life: the Knapsack and the Boulder.

The Knapsack:
The Knapsack is light weight and full of everyday worries. It's a backpack that we carry around each day as we hike the trail of life. The knapsack is essential to help us grow. It's like training with weights. God allows us to carry these burdens for a short time so that we can grow bit by bit. These problems can may seem like a big deal at times, but it is our responsibility to train and grow through them. A friend can be an encouragement to us or even pray for us or carry your Knapsack for a while, but ultimately like a good parent God allows us to go through a little bit of hardship so that we can grow.

The Boulder:
The Boulder is more problematic. These problems are huge life changing problems. The Boulder causes you to get stuck in pits where you can no longer move. However similarly, the Boulder is your own problem, no one else's. While it's super important to identify boulders in other people's lives and help them out, it is also important to not get stuck under their boulder. Then there are two people stuck and no one to help them. This means identifying with, encouraging, praying, and being there for a people would Boulders in their lives. Boulders often have alot of practical application that you can do to help, like helping them out by cooking, loaning some money, being a shoulder to lean on, or helping babysit their problem for a while. But ultimately it's not your job to unstuck them from the Boulder. Only God can remove that burden and He will do in His perfect timing.


Learning about the Boulder and the Knapsack has practical applications in my life. I realize first of all that all my problems are my own and not someone else's. While I can depend on the community for support, I can't expect them to solve my problems. Only God can. And He will in His timing, and it's our job to seek His healing and to wait and trust in Him. Likewise, other people's problems are not my own. It doesn't do any good to carry other people's Knapsacks for them, or worse to get stuck under their Boulder. While it's definitely our job to be there for one another as best as we can, it is helpful to realize that it is not up to us to save the world. We can only temporarily help to alleviate the person and encourage them to look at Christ, the ultimate Healer and Redeemer.

We can only be care givers.
While Christ is the one and only cure giver.


Props to Joel for all these metaphors. =]

Dear World

Dear World,

Life is really hard right now. I'm really bad at discernment and when to say what. So I'll just be blunt. Everything hurts right now. So can you please help me. Send someone or better yet come knocking at my door. I need help. I know God will save me, but if you want to be a hero I wouldn't mind.

I've been drowning myself in busyness, in manga, in other worlds and fantasy, in dreams of the future, in blogging, in serving, in studying God.

But my feelings are catching up to me. My emotions. My heart is being torn into pieces.

So if you can please pray. Please help. Please encourage. To be honest all I need is a hug. I want to know that everything is going to be okay. Haha the worse thing that can happen is that no one will read this and respond. =]


Just remembering to be thankful in trials. Because the more it hurts, the greater God is going to fix me and make me better. I feel so broken right now. So alone. What is He doing?


Sorry to be a burden. Sorry to be a bother. I don't mean to draw attention to myself. I thought I could just serve ppl this finals week. Be there for ppl like me who are suffering. I don't care about myself. But hopefully God can use this. I wish I was stronger for all of you. I'm sorry.



"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

knowing God

so if i like it when people understand me. does god like it when we understand him?

What is my initial reaction?

Dude God I know you let's go hang out.

Then fear...

Do I really know God? What happens when I mess up? Do I really know God? I mean cmon He's like God. What happens when I order Him the wrong flavor of ice cream? I get owned... awkward.

But the thing is God knows us already. =]

So He knows my heart. So if I order the wrong flavor of ice cream. He might make fun of me. But He'll let me know and we can laugh about it instead of Him scolding me and being hurt.

Maybe God is hurt when we don't know Him, similarly when people don't understand us. But it's not a hateful scolding wrathful hurt. It's more of an understanding that we're trying our best to get to know Him.

Yay!

Need Help? Friend for Hire!

So this dead week and finals week I find are the best for low morale and self esteem. A great time to be destroyed by all the procrastinating I've been doing this quarter and feel completely overwhelmed. It's a great time to think about myself and complain about my misery.

So instead, I want to help you guys! Help me by letting me help you! Need a:
- Study Buddy
- A Meal (Delivery Included! (i have like 30 swipes still))
- An Encouragement
- Someone to Study with (any time of day I have a weird sleeping schedule!)
- A Break
- A Babysitter
- An event to be organized
- Prayer
- Lots of Prayer
- Worship Time
- Encouragement
- Someone to do your homework and your essays?

For all this and more look no further! There's no reason to feel down this quarter! It's all right here. Brothers and sisters, let's march strong as we finish this quarter together. Not alone and by yourself. But let's do this together.

My payment: A smile and if you have time try helping a friend out when they need it. Your roommate, your friends, a stranger. Some words of affirmation and quality time would be nice maybe we can rain check for brighter days. Cook me something or better teach me how to cook when the storm is over. =]


As long as God gives me energy to serve I am here for you guys. Help me so I don't spend this finals week focusing on myself. That would truly be a waste. Let's seek God together!

So give me a call (714)323-9584. =]


Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Shalom

I learned something at retreat this past weekend. Thought I would share it with you guys.

As most of you probably know. Shalom means "peace" in Hebrew...at least that's the simple definition, but there's more to it. Shalom also means "life the way it was meant to be" and "whole and complete". Now just stop and think about that for a moment...Life as it was meant to be...no tears, no sorrow, no pain...no sin...that's peace. REAL peace. All consuming whole and complete peace. That is a picture of what abiding in God should be. Absolute peace. Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. Being a child of God and letting your Father do all the worrying let him take care of all the important stuff. All we need to do is hold onto his finger with our child sized hands and look up into his face...Life the way it was meant to be.

And that is all I feel like writing for now. Haha there's another aspect of Shalom that I haven't shared yet, but I'll share later. Stay tuned!

Urgent Prayer

got tricked, heart is broken, please pray

=]

A Weird Feeling

Despite confessing a weird spirit is hovering over me.

I feel afraid that grace won't come. For a rebuke or a slap. I know it is deserved and even provoked. Yet I am really thankful. Thankful for a God that loves and forgives.

I feel like I don't deserve His grace. I feel like as grace is being poured onto me from overhead and I'm doing my best to avoid it. I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy. I can do all but restrain myself from reaching out and seizing the hands that are holding on to me.

Let go. I don't deserve it.

You don't. But I love you. I'll never let go.

Why? Why are you so good to me? What can I do to pay you back? How can I possibly respond?

Man, I'm getting mushy. It's okay you can let go now. I'm okay. I'm okay.

But secretly, I don't want to be let go. I have my pride. I can't stay a child forever. I need to venture off and explore on my own. Grow up and be independent. But secretly I wish we can stay like this forever. In a warm embrace. I hope I never grow up.

====
Learning to walk is scary. I'm a little kid that wants his daddy to carry him. Carry me, carry me. Sometimes He listens I am so happy. Sometimes He says it's time to learn how to walk. Every step I take is a big one. My feet are unsteady and I wobble. It's new and exciting. I take another step, and another. The next thing I know I'm out the gates racing. It's all new and exciting until you realize you're lost. How did I get here? What happened? My dad was following me a second ago, and I got so excited I stopped listening to Him and went exploring on my own.

I need someone to find me. But as panic starts to sink in, I hear His voice. He's calling out to me. Leading me home. As my house approaches in sight I am delighted but scarred. It's my home I grew up there. But I feel bad, I just left it for new and exciting things. Will I feel welcome? Fear of awkwardness of scolding of rejection is gripping me. It is almost enough to turn away from my home and go find a cardboard box somewhere. I am not worthy. I don't deserve this kind of love.

Maybe I'll make some money before heading home. Maybe I'll make a life for myself. I'll bring home some presents that should appease the punishment. I'll work hard, and my father will be pleased.

So as I open the gate and climb up the porch, I see my father looking through the window. Daddy I'm home. He smiles.

What do you have with you?

Um my gifts and offerings turn to shame. How can anything I have measure up to the perfection of my own home. Everything I brought with me seems out of place. They're unneeded. I already have everything I could ever need at home. How foolish to think that I could add to it.

And to top it off He pushes aside the screen door and embraces me in a hug. I see dinner waiting on the counter. He was waiting for me. Preparing for me. He wants to hear about my adventures, and as I tell Him he just listens and laughs. It's like I've never left. No condemnation, no scolding, no mention of the past. He is just proud of me because I'm His son. And He is glad that I came home.

Man, why are you so good to me? Is this what love feels like?

It feels strange. It feels foreign. It feels awkward. It's not what I am used to. I'm afraid that it isn't real. I'm afraid that I might get hurt. I'm used to standing by myself. It's weird just sitting here with Him. My fingers are itching to do something. But I think it's ok to just sit here. It's funny how we make simple things so complicated.

I find my thoughts start to wander. Well what about this summer? What about church? Worry starts to creep in. Anxiety starts to take over. There's a gentle tap on my shoulder.

Hey you're doing it again.

Oh sorry.

Back to more awkwardness.

I recline against him and snuggle my head into His side. I could get used to this. He puts his arm around me and holds me firmly yet gently.

Everything is going to be alright.

I just have have to sit here?

You just have to sit there.

But what about moving? I like moving. I can't be a caged bird. I want to fly. There's so much to do.

He chuckles. Don't worry you'll get to fly eventually. Just trust me. It's going to be great. He starts to tell me of all His plans.

I stop listening. A smile has crept up my face into a grin. Flying is going to be great. And I know Daddy knows best. When He says it's going to be great, it's going to be great. It's going to be spectacular. But for now I'll just have to wait and see.

A Confession

There's something I have to confess. I look around me and all I do is covet. There are so many people with blessings and talents. And I find myself yearning for something to make me feel special.

With that mentality I try my best to fill the role of superman. I try hard to encourage people and to be strong for them. If I fall won't others fall too, who will be able to help them? I try hard and push myself to my limits in order to serve others. "They need my love" I convince myself. This is my role, my talent, my gift to make me special.

But then I find myself still failing. Still worrying. And frankly I havn't been honest with myself.

I am NOT superman.

This sucks. Who am I then? Do I have any talents? Am I special?

I feel this urge to fit some role. To find some use for myself. To make some sort of difference. I love you guys, and it pains me to say I've been tricking you. I'm not superman.

I sin just like you do. I covet and lust. I fail at going to class and studying. I am prideful and arrogant and like to judge others. I am ugly.

I worry constantly. I am anxious. I fail to trust God. I have no authority over God's word to teach or to discern, it's all part of God's grace.

I speak about love and sharing and carrying burdens. Yet I've been carrying all my burdens by myself. I should have called up each of you and apologized. I am not who I appear to be.

I am a sinner just like you guys. At the mercy of your prayers and to God. Without you family I don't know what I would do. I would go crazy. So please don't leave me. I'm sorry. I'll stop pretending. I'll take off my mask.

I'm not tough, I'm not like Mike or Erick. I'm not Fabian. I struggle and fail. All I can ask for is your forgiveness and God's forgiveness. All I can ask for is grace.

I think ultimately I want to apologize for being so selfish. For living a life centered around me. I really want to live for others, yet I continue to fall short time and time again. Will you forgive me?


"This is what the LORD says:
'Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,
but let him who boasts boast about this:
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,'
declares the LORD."
- Jeremiah 9:23-24

Free Prayer

This was originally an email, but after two drafts it turned more into a blog post. Let's see! Thank you Josh for giving me feedback and helping me edit one of my many ideas! =]

I feel led to share some blessings from our prayer meetings, that hopefully will encourage you guys.

To be honest, for me it's very easy to have a self-serving heart. Sometimes when I come to prayer meetings I just want people to listen to me. I appreciate the attention and it really helps to have someone to talk to and get stuff off my chest. Then it's no longer "my fault" that I didn't tell people what I have been struggling.

But that was my attitude before. What God has been teaching me is that true fellowship is precious. And a lot of time we don't do it right. I am so thankful for God turning my heart around to see prayer meetings as a social obligation to a huge blessing. Prayer meeting is about being real and honest. It's about admitting that we need God's grace. That we are sinners and that nothing we can do can save ourselves. I am super thankful that God has given me you guys as friends to help me lift me out and to support me with prayer. I have no doubt that the reason I am doing so well is that God is listening to your prayers. I admit its easy to have a "great" Christian walk where I am doing "fine" or "very good" and to go around hiding my burdens in my heart, that I was never meant to carry alone.

The reason I share this is because I see a lot of Christians who are active and serving and they're usually some who do the most, yet they struggle so much on their own. They're not using the resources God gave them, friends and the church. I'm not trying to point fingers at specific people. I am one of them too and in fact last night I fell back into the habit of thinking this way. It's hard to remember God and His promises, when the Enemy is feeding you half truths. And its even harder when you are trying to fight them on your own. So please stop hurting yourself, and allow each other to help you.

If you're doing well, Yay Jesus! I am so happy for you! I encourage you that not everyone is doing well. It's just a fact of life. And it's YOUR job not THEIRS. To seek them and help them. Don't get comfortable with how things are but use discernment and listen to the holy spirit and encourage people! It's better to over encourage than to never encourage at all. Sometimes people just need a friend or an ear to hear them and an unjudging heart. They don't need advice but just a shoulder to lean on and God has given us all two shoulders.

Some lies or rather half truths that I like to believe in from time to time:

Everyone is doing well, I'm the only one who is struggling.

All I need is God, I don't need people.

I shouldn't rely on people.

If I share my problems people will judge me.

No one wants to listen to me.

No one loves me.

I have no friends.

People just love themselves.

Sharing my problems will just discourage people.

No one understands me.

I am better off on my own.


I speak to you in full confidence my friends, that each and every point above is a LIE. Or rather they are all true, but only HALF true. Satan likes to make his lies seductive thats why we fall victim to it. Only by the grace of God are we able to point out lies in our lives and confront them. I would love to tell you how to counter each of the lies above, but I think it would be good for you to wrestle with them in Scripture. Each of the statements are missing something about God, usually about His grace and His love, that changes those statements from despair to hope. But I would love to talk about anything you struggle with, especially over food! I like ice cream!

I don't mean to rant or to preach my friends. My heart grieves to see so many Christians across America who either have lukewarm self-serving hearts. And those who are struggling so hard on their own when God is trying to love them through the people around them. It's not about our pride. Not everything has to be 'fine' or sunshine and daisies but we need to lay down our burdens before Jesus before He can heal us. By having "secrets" or holding on to our own struggles, they chain us and weigh us down. We need to realize that it is only by the grace of God we can be healed. We need to let go of our burdens and allow others to carry it. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Do not let Satan get a foothold. We need to take off our masks, i know its scary. But trust me when you do, God sets you free.

You might be afraid of insults, or hurts, or judging, but my whole life is laid out in this blog. Anything you want to know I want to share it with you. Why? Because I am not afraid. I am afraid by nature, but I trust in God. I know that He is protecting me and that nothing can harm me. I am fully surrendered! I fight against lies daily, I struggle with sin constantly. My mind is a pitfall trap of lies. I am ugly. But I still know that my God loves me and is making me a little bit more beautiful each day in His time. He loves me too much to let me screw myself up. He'll gently rebuke me if I go down the wrong path. Take it slow you don't have to dive in. But stop hiding in yourself, and surrender it to God. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Holding on to your struggles is just another form of Asian pride. You may say I don't want to get hurt. Or say I don't want to burden others. But really you're not giving others an opportunity to help you.

Okay I'm done. I'm sorry, but life is serious, and sin is serious. But God is seriously going to help change your life! The following is an excerpt from the original email. It was meant to encourage and bring a smile to your face. xD

==== (the following is fictitious)
What's Free Prayer?
Free Prayer is a group of real people with real problems with a real God loves us. He is our king, and friend, our Great Redeemer. He has set us free from our chains and given us brothers and sisters to support us! Is everyday a struggle? You're not alone. Come with a heart expecting God to bless you through brothers and sisters, and a heart ready to bless others by sharing some struggles and/or praises. Free Prayer is about being real. Real Christians who don't wear masks, but instead cry out for grace, because we know we need it and that we have a merciful God who hears us. Free prayer is for everyone, because everyone could use an extra blessing. And best of all it's free!


"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."
- Isaiah 55:1-2

Lord with You, There's Nothing I Cannot Do

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I cannot do

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I cannot do

My hands, my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
Wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I cannot do, no

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
'Cause Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I can't do

I'm gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

"Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole

If We Are the Body

Listen to this as you read this post: If We Are the Body

Now I'm the kind of person who likes to connect the dots. I learn best when I can see the bigger picture and how each individual thing I'm doing or learning fits into this bigger picture. It comes as no wonder then that I constantly question what the classes I take have to do with me. What do these classes have to do with my faith and my relationship with God.

I'm taking three English classes this quarter--which is killing me by the way--and two of them revolve around people with disabilities. In one of these classes a few days ago, in one of those rare moments when I happened to actually be paying attention in class my teacher said something really interesting. It was something along these lines: Disability is not something within the body, but disability is a body meeting a society that doesn't accommodate it.

That really struck me. As followers of Christ we're called to be a body--a society--that supports and accepts each other. So then if the above words are true then a disability isn't something that is within a body--an individual--but rather it is when we as a body don't choose to accommodate this person(s). And let's face it, who of us isn't disabled? Who of us doesn't have problems and struggles. Disabilities aren't limited to physical difficulties; we're all broken people

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it." 1 Corinthians 12:12-27

Also, I think that there is a possibility for me to explore this topic further--the integration of faith and disability--by making it the focus of my final paper for one of my classes. If you could all pray for in this area that will be greatly appreciated. Please pray that God will open the doors in three areas:

1. That my teacher will be open to this subject and not only open but encouraging
2. That my teacher will allow the slight change in format that will be required in order for me to write this paper (the final paper is suppose to focus on at least one primary and secondary reading, which will most likely not be possible with the way i'm approaching it)
3. That God will open my eyes and bless me with insight so that I can approach the teacher with a logically and cohesive argument, so I can prove to her that this paper can actually go somewhere

How God Humbles Me Thru Sickness

Before I write about about Sickness, it is amazing how God used Matt's Blog to point out the objective of fellowship. Because I have been resting these couple of days, it so easy to be comfortable being by myself.

Ever since I got sick on this weekend, I have been spending a lot of time with God. I think that is such amazing thing! I had like a 2 hour devotion yesterday! Unfortunately, I missed out on great fellowship opportunties such as dinners and small group because my voice is still scratchy. However, I felt like this was the most humbling experience ever. On Monday night, I was so anxious with formulating the perfect survey question that I got this big headache. I couldn't take it that night and ended up sleeping at 10:30. Before falling asleep, I prayed to God how I wanted to just give up because no matter how much I tried to accomplish all these things it wouldn't work. I NEEDED REST. It was not only physical rest but SPIRITUAL REST. I need to surrender EVERYTHING to God.

Although I missed out these great fellowship opportunites, it was amazing how God used my sickness to point me back to Him. Often times, I am so caught up with our duties, meet ups and hang outs that I forget about my relationship with God.

Yay!

Hola! Let's see how brief I can make a blog post!

I just wanted to let you all know how must I treasure each of you. It's really a blessing to have each of you in my life. Struggling with my own insecurity Satan would have me think otherwise. But God is really awesome to put each of you into my life. I am so thankful for your prayers and your encouragement, to turn my eyes away from myself and my sin, my shame, my ugliness, and try to keep my eyes focused on God. Matt 14:22-23

So I do not write the blog post to brag or be arrogant or to preach. In fact I have been struggling with pride a lot lately and can only ask for your forgiveness to each of you that my sharp tongue has pierced the wrong way. I struggle with awkwardness and connecting with people. My pride often gets in the way of things and I am sorry. I know God has given me the blessing to serve others, but many times I find myself serving and even writing only to further my own needs and securities. I apologize. I apologize for my recklessness and my lack of thought in my words or actions. I apologize for my instability in myself, for drowning in my own thoughts and emotions for struggling so hard to cling onto God. I wish I could be superman for everyone. I wish I could be selfless and not care about myself. I wish I could be more like Christ, but I am still struggling, still growing, still backsliding and all I can do is ask for your forgiveness.

This week has been especially difficult. Getting sick, and not being surrounded with as much Truth. Being bombarded on every side by the enemy mostly through emotions and thoughts. Struggling with my old mindset and thoughts. Flirting with sin, giving in and failing.

Last night I listened to a message "TrueFaced" by John Lynch. He brings up an interesting story about two paths. The path of Good Intentions and the Path of Trusting in God. It is actually very similar to a message by Fred Wevodau that we heard at Winter Conference. The path of Good Intentions is fighting against your sin by yourself. You put on a mask and appear to be doing well, because if you're not doing well then what are your good intentions for? How about all your good works? Your Quiet Times? Your serving the homeless, leading a smallgroup, serving God? How can you NOT be doing well? To struggle, to fail, to give in, means you failed. Your Good Intentions were no match to fight against your sin.

The Path of Trusting in God, is even harder. There's nothing to do... except trust in God. But the Path of Trusting in God is the path of grace. Knowing that you need His grace. That none of your actions can help you fight against your sin. It's not about trying harder, doing more, having the right theology, right mind set, the right philosophy, knowing what Scriptures to hold on to. But it means trusting in God. Trusting in His grace to save you. That apart from His grace there is nothing to save you. But God's grace is awesome! Because God is faithful.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and He will sustain you;

He will never let the righteous fall."

- Ps 55:22

The Path of Trusting in God means allowing God to come on your side and fight with you. People on this path are big sinners. Because we know we need grace. We struggle and fail. But we own up to our struggles because we know God is working on them. Our progress is not measured by our improvement or by how much work or change we see. Our progress is knowing that each day God is chipping at our sin bit by bit, and transforming us to be new creations. 2 Cor 5:17

I am not really sure where this post is going =]

I just wanted to be honest with all of you guys. I know blog posts, facebook events, and mass emails may not be your style but hopefully God can use them. I am just not sure how to initiate awesome one on one conversations. So this is the invitation, I love you guys, and I want to be praying for you, in fact I want to know what's going on in each of your lives daily if possible. To pray for your struggles and to share awesome praise reports of how awesome God is. You are not alone, we are all here, and sometimes its hard to break away from our asian-ness and ask people to pray for us. Or sometimes its just awkward and we don't know how to start. So if you work better one-on-one, or you work better by blogging, or by email let me know what you're comfortable with and let's share and lift up our requests to God together.

That's what the church is for. That's why we have brothers and sisters in Christ. Maybe you guys are doing awesome at this! Then Yay Jesus! I don't mean to interfere or point fingers. But hopefully this post can encourage those who struggle with fellowship and we can work together to be there for one another.

No more pride, no more masks. I struggle just as much, maybe more or less haha, than each of you. I need grace as much as you do. I need prayer. I want people to be there for me. To invite me over to study, to just be around when I am struggling. To give me encouraging notes, and verses. To check up on me once in a while and make sure I am doing okay.

What's the best fix when you are in need? I find the best way to do when you're in need is to serve others. Something magical happens when you help other to serve you by serving them. Haha despite that being a mouthful God often blesses me when I serve others. When I act selflessly than selfishly. There's just something nice about helping people that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling, and by ministering to others God often ministers to you in some way.

So what can you do?

1) Confess our sin. We are all sinners. We are all needy. We all want this or that and are struggling with something. One of my most favorite versus is John 8:11 "...'Then neither do I condemn you,' Jesus declared. 'Go now and leave your life of sin.'"

2) Allow yourself to be served. Open up areas in your life where you need ministering. Bless others by giving others an opportunity to bless you. We all have needs and God made us relational people that need people and God. No need for pride. Trust your family to be there for you, by letting them know how they can live for you.

3) Serve others. Somehow by serving others, everyone benefits. You feel good about yourself, and others are touched. God works best when people are loving one another.

I say all this in the humblest way I can. I want to see our community flourish to a point where it can not only serve each other, but it can also be branching out and touching the lives of others. Again, maybe you excel at community then Praise the Lord! Let's all create an environment of grace together. =]

Sincerely,

Matt

"...All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

'God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble.'

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."

- 1 Pt 5:5-6

Let's help each other be lifted up by God! We're all in this together.

Dear Family

Dear Family,

Sorry for the last minute prayer gathering madness. It fell apart due to my bad planning, and people seemed tired/uninterested. But it's all good God works in His sovereign ways. Apparently people were interested in coming but didn't get the chance to so let's get excited in anticipation for the next one! =]

I just wanted to update you guys with what has happened in the last two days. Blogging helps me sort out my thoughts, and I trust you guys and know that your prayers are the only thing keeping me afloat. God is good and I am so thankful to be blessed by so many supportive friends who have offered different counsel for my situation, and just praying for me is more than I can ask for. Thank you. I know that God is sovereign and He hears our prayers. He will definitely be orchestrating something amazing for me this summer. [John 15:7]

Writing the last paragraph makes me smile. It's always good to hear Truth, and it sounds better to be written down on paper (blog) than to just be swirling around in my head and then tossed back and forth by the waves. Rather than just being weighed down about my decision for VSET, my mind has been playing games with me. For some reason a weightiness or seriousness has consumed my thinking concerning this decision. Although I have smiled and said and believed that God will work things out for sure [Rom 8:28]. For some reason maybe my dramatic, romantic nature is causing me to go into mental panics constantly where I continue to slam the panic button again and again. Or maybe God is telling me this decision is really important.

Because of the seriousness of the decision I have questioned everything. I think this is good practice in general, but for this situation it has been picked through with a fine toothed comb. Why am I going on VSET? Why should I obey my parents? Am I following God? Is this person's counsel biblical? These questions hare swirling around so much in my brain, that I physically gravitate to analyze and see God in every conversation. I have actually corrected people's thoughts and words with what I think is right and God's truth without ever meaning too. My brain is on overdrive and my tongue is even faster before my brain can react. I am living and breathing this decision. I have had to literally sit down in a bathroom and just pray that my tongue would not pierce or slay anyone in the wrong way.

So why VSET?

I believe that VSET is awesome! It is a good opportunity to serve and grow. I feel like going on VSET will definitely help me grow in character and as a discipleship and small group leader. I want to be able to grow a lot this summer so I can take it back to my guys next year, and for the future of Bruin ICA as well. Secondary, is an opportunity to share the gospel and reach out to people. To not be ashamed with Jesus, and to touch and save lives. Also to work in a team of believers and grow together and serving together. To test out the mission field and see if it is God's calling to do one day.

My natural question as doors were closing was, did I discern wrong? Was I going on VSET for selfish motives? Was VSET the "wrong path?" If so where did I go wrong? Did I make a mistake? I believe I did not. I am earnestly pursuing God and His righteousness. And the more I listen to Pastor Min, Francis Chan, and read the Bible the more I know it is important to live what the Bible teaches. Verses that come to mine are Matt 28:19-20, Luke 23:19, Rom 10:13-15. I want to follow God, and the fear that I wasn't following God was probably one of the greatest fears that kept me searching for God's will for me this summer. God literally had to throw the panic switch and convince me through parents, counselors, my grandparents, and my internship (will I get it back?) before I would refuse to obey the call. Although I didn't have the heart when I signed up for VSET, or even that I wanted to go. I believe that throughout the process of "going on VSET" especially in the last couple weeks, I have developed the heart to go. Like Isiah 6:8 "Her am I. Send me!" Maybe like Abraham was tested with Issac, He developed in me the heart to go on missions and now its time to switch gears.

He's calling me home.

Within the last 24 hours which seem like a literal lifetime. I have weighted and considered every situation imaginable this summer. As a side note a big driving force of going on missions was to challenge my parents. I needed to stand up for God and show them that God is real! That God is important! That we need to obey the whole Bible, and not just part of it. This has a lot to do with me growing up as a nominal Christian and having a heart towards the nominal church. Over the last day, God has redeeming a lot of past hurt from my parents. The follow up post I planned on writing yesterday was delayed, because my heart was torn when I was writing it. So much hurt has built over the years that I didn't realize how much baggage I was still holding on to.

I feel like God is calling me to stay home this summer. Is this calling real? I believe so, many versus in the Bible tell you to obey your parents Eph 5:21 says to "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Our parents are placed as authority figures in our lives for a reason. And while I definitely don't do a goo job at it, God has placed them in your life for you do your best to serve them, and to love them. It is your job to ask them for counsel and to get their approval for things. Even if they are not God-fearing, you better respect them. It's in the Bible. Direct disobedience is not to be taken lightly, and should only be done with much prayer, counsel, and peace from God. And to get here God literally had me go through months of VSET preparation to arrive at this conclusion.

But the reason I am staying isn't to obey my parents. To be honest I am completely sure that their basis for me staying this summer is unbiblical. While getting an internship is definitely not a bad or ungodly thing, in fact it can be super godly and even God's will. 1 Th 4:11 says "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we have told you." However for me I feel the call. God has laid it on my heart to go to missions, to not go would be sin.

So why am I staying home this summer?

God is calling me to love them. To submit to them out of reverence for their authority. As important people in my life. To lay down my life for them. (I know big whoop I get to stay home for the summer yay!) But I want to show them that I am serious. That I love them. To go on VSET right now would break my mom's heart in half. Although she is holding on to a foolish worldly fear of never getting a job if I go on VSET. (I have complete confidence that God will provide Jer 29:11) God has given me a new mission field. God has been growing me for the past 4ish weeks? (how long have I started blogging?) And now it's time to bring the gospel back home. My parents have agreed that if I stay home this summer that we can do a Bible Study.

This is actually quite hard for me. How am I supposed to lead my parents? This relationship is already unnatural for a child to take the spiritual leadership of the family. My mom is already resistant towards it. How can she accept wisdom from her son? It's weird and awkward and humbling. How can I speak with authority when I am so young? I am not here to brag about the Bible I just want them to know that they need Jesus. Not just faith and a belief, but a relationship with Him. One where they can stand on their own two feet and hopefully even to make disciples. I don't wish to just rebuke them for their nominal way of living but I want their hearts to change for Christ. And I don't think I can do it. No matter how smart I sound or how much of the Bible I know, only Christ can change their hearts. Only Christ can sort through all the lies in their lives that have helped them to live comfortably over the years, the lies that I have grown up believing that God sent me into a 2 year depression to unroot and throw away. This is going to be hard.

But I have faith. One thing God has been teaching me through this, is to trust in Him! What good does running through ever situation do? What if my mom says this, or what does my mom says that. Who by worrying has managed to add a single hour to his life? Matt 6:27. It is easy for me a master planner to be constantly scheming. God has built my mind to consider every play calculate the odds and act upon the most efficient one. However God constantly draws me back to His play. And His will for me right now is to pray and wait and trust. All the things I struggle with. A friend of mine told me to 'suck it up! hahaha God is teaching you to surrender' I couldn't have put it anymore clearer. I thought I was pretty surrendered for VSET, but God is brining that word to a whole new meaning in my life. While there is much decision making and obeying to be done. There is still even more element of just trusting that God knows what He is doing and to follow Him. Who knows what the future holds?

This wrestling with God has been painful. At times I feel like my heart is split into a million pieces and I can't put myself together anymore. And times like this I just take a deep breath and let out a sigh and say "I trust you God." I have been holding onto 1 Pt 5:5-6

"Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposed the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."

A shameful plug for TMS (verses we memorize for church). It's awesome! 90% (some random made up static) of the verses I use are TMS verses. Sure I coughed them down my freshmen year and swallowed them whole. But God is using them to speak to me now two years later. Without them I don't know how I could survive.

Anyways, times like these are keeping me humble. I suffer with pride constantly (a future blogpost in the making). But I am grateful for times and circumstances like these to praise God and allow me to depend on Him. What am I supposed to do? What CAN I do anymore? All I can do is trust that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him. That He will make my path's straight. That He has plans for me. [Rom 8:28, Jer 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6] (I had to look one of those up soo saddness) anyways, times like this keep me from getting proud. And there is no place worse than being proud. Pride is SIN. God OPPOSES the proud. Do you want God to oppose you? There's no way around pride. No excuses. It's in the Bible. But God gives grace to the humble.

Okays I'm done. thanks for listening. My heart is still in turmoil. But keep praying for God to sew my heart back together so I can continue to believe in Him for even greater things. Pray for strength and wisdom in dealing with my family and how to best reach out to them. Pray that God will change their hearts so I don't even have to do anything! And pray that God will give me wisdom to know when to hold my tongue and when to be bold. And lastly pray that I don't have to write another super long blogpost explaining how God has convinced me to follow Him in a completely new turn of events. haha.

Thanks your prayers are as always amazing. So here's a cool idea. Respond how I and the readers of this blog can be praying for you. Remember Rom 8:32 "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Matt IS going on missions this summer. But only God knows where. =]

About VSET

The Story So Far:

So I got the internship I told you guys about. Praise the Lord! (aka Yay Jesus!) However the internship is contingent on me staying for the entire duration of the internship meaning it conflicts with me going on VSET (summer missions). So after praying and discerning and asking for counsel. I turned down the offer because my boss wanted a response by Friday.

In retrospect I should have definitely included my parents on the decision making. While I am fully confident that I did my best to obey God's will. I talked to people about it, got affirmed of my seeking of God's will. I also went into scripture, listened to messages, and even had a lot of peace about my decision. There is no doubt about it, I followed the best I knew how to follow God.

Today:

So this weekend I went home for mother's day and got to talk to my parents. I am super thankful that God brought me home this weekend. It is very sovereign. My mom and I had a awesomely long talk. While I have made many pro and con lists about VSET versus internship, I never thought to make a VSET vs Parents pro and con list. Concerning VSET vs internship, there are not many things I can think of to justify getting a summer internship versus VSET for me this summer. I know that for me VSET will be challenging and I truly believe that God will provide for me the most awesome job that He has in plan for me if I don't get onto an internship. (Jer 29:11, Rom 8:28, Matt 6:33) However there's more to consider when I compare VSET versus parents.

God's Will:

God has been laying on my heart to obey my parents. During my conversation with my parents and seeking counsel from my grandma and an uncle and counselor of our college Sunday school I feel very called to submit myself to my parents. Some points are that God has called us to obey and submit ourselves to our parents and our authority figures. This is not to be taken lightly. (It's in God's Word!) Also through my conversation I have realized that going on VSET against their will although was great to challenge of their faith, it was plainly disrespectful and rude. In my current situation the best thing I can do to love my parents is to obey them. I have a commitment to my parents that isn't to be taken lightly. And I need to do my best to obey them no matter what.

What's Going to Happen:

So logistically, I have asked my boss to reconsider my internship and see if he will allow me to still get it. Pray that things will work out and that I will submit and obey my parents as well as God's will. I have been praying that God would clearly show me what His will is for me this summer and I am glad to be finally sure of what He wants me to do: obey my parents. So for VSET, I am not sure at this second but I am sure things will pan out over the next week or so and I will keep you updated. If my parents change their mind then I will go. But whatever happens I know that God is control of everything.

In Conclusion:

Sorry for the long post, I wanted to keep it short and to the point and just about VSET, but you guys know me. xD

If you want to learn more about the process of decision making that I've been going through read my next blog post that will be more in depth about my decision and what God has been teaching me.

Thanks for your prayers.

Keep praying.

And let me know how I can be praying for you.

God is awesome!

Today

Today is the National Day of Prayer.

Today I look around me and I see brokenness.
Today I look around me and I see an inexplicable joy.
Today I look around me and I see contrite hearts ready to turn back to the Lord.
Today I look around me and I encounter trial after trial.
Today I look around me and I see the hungry and the lost.
Today I look around me and my heart breaks.
Today I look around me and recognize, I still can.
Today I look around me and I see Him. Everywhere. In everything.
Today I look around me and I see you.

Today is the National Day of Prayer.



But why just today?




I wrote a song a while back...part of it went like this:
Not just another day, let this be everyday
Not just another day, let this be everyday

So Lord God....let this be everyday.


Today I look around me, and I see the promise of eternity.

Resting for God

Okay sorry, after four posts in a row and two posts by other people I wasn't planning on posting again for at least a day, but the Holy Spirit calls. Haha or at least this post should be pretty good.

If you haven't yet read http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/05/2478/.
Read it before you move on. It's really really good. And it takes 5 minutes. Trust me its worth it. (Click it Josh!)

"...In repentance and rest is your salvation..." Isaiah 30:15.

Jon points out an amazing thing in his blog that salvation equals two things: repentance and rest. I've known about Psalm 127:2 for a while but it never hit home quite like this before. If I'm true to myself like Jon, often I say to myself.

Repentance is your salvation.

Repentance and good works is your salvation.

Repentance and penance is your salvation.

Repentance and seeking God more is your salvation.

But that's not what the Bible says. It clearly states that repentance and rest is your salvation. As Jon points out in his post, rest means surrendering and submitting to Him. It means trusting in Him not necessarily by doing more but by allowing Him to be in control. Resting in our culture means doing less and trusting more. It means having faith.

Especially to me, I don't think resting is part of my vocabulary. I know I am supposed to get my rest from God, but I don't think I ever thought about "resting for God." I'm supposed to get refreshed by God, I am supposed to wake up and enjoy God at 8am QTs, I am supposed to say a quick prayer for rest before moving on to the next task, but I never thought I was supposed to actually rest for God.

Being in ICA, former Navigators, a college student, and just me, resting is is never on my to do list. I'm always filling my schedule with different activities, and constantly justifying the amount of sleep I get or how much downtime I splurge. It's always about getting more done, serving more, and trying to keep up with a slew of responsibilities and engagements. I've commented in a previous post about how I love to be busy. I just love doing things. It keeps me engaged and feeds my nature and personality. It's fun to accomplish things and keep going from one thing to the next. And God has been giving me a lot of grace to give me the energy to keep going and to worship and enjoy Him amongst my busyness.

A former me would have totally went 180 and said oh I need to be more responsible and committed and less busy with soo many things and try to do fewer things well. (Isn't that what I tried doing for the past year?... sleeping early, waking up earlier, hanging out with less people...) But I think, being a little (teeny weenie bit) wiser, and just really filled by the grace of God, that there's definitely a place for busyness in our lives and it's definitely a way that helps me worship God! Not that my comfort is in the actions or the completing of tasks themselves, but I am learning that God built me for busyness. Being busy allows me to worship God and to seek Him more as He sustains me through the busyness, not just to get stuff done I want to do, but also to seek His will and obey it. However, there definitely is a way to worship God by being more restful and less busy as well. And that is a skill I definitely need to refine.

If you know me, I've been far from getting a perfect picture of what rest looks like. Doing two overnight shifts a week and hanging out with people, school work, ministry work, family stuff, getting prepared for missions this summer, waking up early and sleeping... never, it looks like I could get some more rest in God. Yet, I have alot of peace in saying this that I actually have been seeking rest in God over the past three weeks. Perhaps being a bit reckless, amongst the slew of activities and averaging less than 3 hours of sleep on weekdays and binge sleeping on weekends, I've never been closer to God in my entire life.

I don't think being busy is for everyone, and I definitely don't think I should be busy 24 hours, 7 days a week, but I think this is just how God has wired me for now. Feeling invincible, and constantly learning about God and seeking Him even amongst my various tasks. Always praying, meditating on some Scripture or a message. Battling temptations, emotions, and lies with truth, and seeking encouragement and God through people and awesome conversations. I couldn't keep up what I am doing without getting fed, and for me that means surrendering my need to be "strong," "self reliant" and "dependent on God only", by putting myself in places to be fed by God (ie making sure I eat all my meals for the day): in the Word, through reading encouraging things on the internet, praying, listening to messages, wrestling with God, and one of the greatest blessings by being around encouraging people and surrendering my pride to ask for prayer and to talk boldly by sharing about my greatest passion, knowing God a little bit more.

Yes, thank you so much for your prayers and for hearing me rant one time too many. I am so thankful for such an awesome group of friends. Without you, I would be one unhappy kid.

In conclusion, don't be afraid to seek physical rest from God. You can definitely rest for God, just check your heart and listen to the Spirit. Be careful of lies and get encouragement from brothers and sisters. I am sure that God will lead me to some physical form of rest sometime soon like this weekend or during Iron Man II. But this post was an awesome reminder and a mental check on where I am getting my rest. As stress and anxiety and lies and restlessness pop up in my life, what is sustaining me? Is busyness merely a diversion for my sorrows, or a unique way that God chooses to sustain me? As I keep up with my busyness I have been reminded that there is a place for rest, especially physical, and to just follow the Holy Spirit as it guides me.

"In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat -
for he grants sleep to those he loves."
- Ps 127:2



Thanks to Joel for pointing my attention to the Stuff Christians Like blog, it's already changing my life. If you have extra time read http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/04/2691/. This one is really good too.

1st post LOL

How interesting! I've decided to post here! Well, I am not too big of a fan in posting or blogging, since I write in my journal almost daily haha~ BUT this thingie looks really nice, thanks to the design and the smart pun on words.

I have to say, this year God has been growing me and humbling me...very very greatly. I have and still am tasting the sweet fruits of obedience, and the challenges that come with it. I just want to say thank you to the relationships I have been so blessed by here (aka people who actually read this), and I am truly grateful for you all. Sorry that I haven't been hanging out with you guys as much. Just know that I still love you guys!

ok, peace out :)

VSET!

I've decided that I will be going on VSET this summer. 

Pastor Min wanted me to make a decision today (though it was long overdue anyways), and I talked with Fabian yesterday.  He told me to think about which option (staying home with my dad or going on VSET) would grow me more, and I feel that going on VSET would hopefully grow me more than staying at home.  I also feel that it would be challenging for me (which is a good thing, I suppose).

I'm pretty worried about getting the support and stuff, but I know that I need to be trusting God for it.  So please pray for the fundraising and stuff and for me to be trusting God for it.  The last time that I went, my parents helped me pay for a good chunk of it, but I don't want them to have to pay for it too much.

I'll be getting a support letter out soon (hopefully by tomorrow), so there will be more details there.
Thanks =]

Pre-VSET Update #1

Pre-VSET Update #1: Dear Family,
Thanks for partnering with me on this journey on missions for this summer. It really means alot to know I have so much support and people praying for me. As some of you know my uncle kind of hooked me up with an interview at Aerospace Corp today. It went pretty well and I hit it off with the engineers. When The possibility of VSET came up during the interview the head programmer said something along the lines of it would be nice to work there and then take a break and have fun and then come back to work. However my main manager seemed to not like it as much.

So family if you could pray for this internship I believe that if it is in God's will I could definitely get an internship and go on VSET all in one summer! Praise the Lord! Only God can pull off this miracle as my parents have said many times and I am starting to believe it myself. So family if you could pray that God will be definitely in charge of this situation as well as to have me be totally surrendered to His will. While I am almost certainly still going on VSET you can pray that I will be opened and surrendered and willing to follow God wherever He leads me. Also pray for my parents and me as we reconcile our differences and try to follow God's will together.

Thanks family. Let me know if anyone wants to get special updates by email. Also I respond to all emails personally. To help me out put the [VSET] tag in the subject line.

Your brother in Christ,

Matt

Simple Truths

Hey sorry for taking over the blog. I might create my own for personal reasons. I don't mean to take over the blog or discourage people from posting xD

Some simple truths that God is revealing to me. Do I really believe this?

Anyway, to setup I was reading Game Plan! http://gameplanmanga.com/

1) "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Rom 8:28
Do I really believe in what the Bible says? Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Do I believe this? I often finding myself wishing I had this or that. Or that things would go my way. Do I believe that God works all things for good? Do I believe that God has plans for me? Plans better than I can orchestrate myself. Why am I so stuck on getting things to go my way? Sometimes I think God is out to get me, or make my life harder just for fun. But this goes against what God is. God is loving and sovereign. His plans are the best, not to harm us. What goes on in my life right now is for the best.

If you haven't read about the story of Joseph you should read it Genesis 37-50. I love this story, basically some really messed up things happen to Joseph but everything ends up working out in the end. At the end Joseph tells his brothers who sold him into slavery, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:12. When I look at my circumstances in my life, a lot of times I can't help but want more things. I wish this thing would go that way. Or that circumstances would be different. Woe is me right?

But if God really loves me and has a plan for me. In fact He has the BEST plan for me. I know everything will work out in the end. And things don't just work out, but He will bless me, because I'm His son. Things will work out for the BEST. Josh McDowell talks about in his sermon "Maximum Dating" (it's pretty not legit I wouldn't recommend it) that after a breakup with his girlfriend of many years he was literally weeping and cursing God. But he comes upon the realization that if God leads him to breakup, that means the woman that God has in store for him to be his wife is even more amazing than his current girlfriend! Haha, this is actually quite comforting knowing that as relationships grow sour or things don't go my way, I can't wait to see what even more amazing things God has in store for me!

If I really believe that God's plan is the best...
Why do I complain?
Why do I wish for things that don't go my way?
Why am I unhappy?
Why am I jealous? Why do I covet?

Instead all I can do is keep praying and wait patiently for even more blessings to come in the future. Beacuse all the pain I am going through right now is purposeful. Perhaps I will never learn or figure the purpose out. But I can pray that God will reveal it to me, and that I can trust that God's plan will work out way better than if I try to meddle and force things to go my way with my own hands.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renwed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on waht is unsee. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18


2) I don't have a verse at this second for this one. But I am afraid of messing things up.
I think it's just my nature to keep believing that I can somehow mess up God's plan. Or I keep thinking that God is displeased with me. I often do mental checks are my motives correct? Am I being selfish? Am I being lazy? I am constantly trying to figure out if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, because I am afraid that God might be displeased with me.

Oh I'm having a bad day, I must be sinning today. Or I feel anxious, maybe I should pray harder. Erick Loh mentioned at rally this past week, that it is only the grace of God that we are allowed to turn our face away from our own problems and sin and look upon the grace of God. (or something like that). Alot of times are faces are stuck looking at ourselves, at our sin and at our weaknesses. But when God gives us the grace to look up at Him and not at ourselves, we get a more eternal perspecitves that allows us to see a reason to our suffering.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

God knows us and undersands us. Here is something that might be controversial: He is never displeased with us! He is always willing to extend grace and forgiveness and we can approach the throne of grace with confidence! That He will give us mercy and grace in our time of need. There is no prequisite for this grace. No fasting, no fancy prayer, no attitude change, or act of pennace or good faith. God gives freely. And is always willing to freely give grace to everyone. So shouldn't we show that grace to others? Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angeles nor demons, nither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to sperate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord." Nothing can get in between us and God's love. Nothing can make God love us any more or any less. Whether God's love is deseved or undeserved (actually it's always undeserved but sometimes we feel like its especially undeserved). He still offers it to us, and He never holds our sins against us.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrigtheousness." 1 Jn 1:9


I want to close with a story:

But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultury. they made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."


I think this is Jesus's attitude on sin. I can't count how many of the times I feel afraid of doing wrong or of being rebuked. I am always afraid of doing the wrong thing of being condemned by people, my leaders, my parents, or of God. Similarly, I try super hard to do the most right thing, often failing to be able to keep the standards that I set up for myself. But Jesus understands us. And because of His sacrifice His grace is offered freely to all of us. He neither condemns or judges, He only forgives and asks us, "Go now and leave your life of sin." In other words, you are forgiven, you are set free. Go now and sin no more.

Interesting Idea... Feedback Required!

Prayer for the World App

Facebook App/Iphone App

A way to link the church and individuals to the modern world net. Hopefully to promote prayer for one another, and to unite Christians around the world in prayer. Example, when Haiti is struck by an earthquake, this will appear in everyone's email and on the app and people can pray around the world together. Also Your local church in your community can post prayer requests such as urgent medical requests or maybe a speaker is going to speak at a local highschool. As well as your friends posting they have a midterm that is coming up, or to remember to pray for people that you have committed to. This isn't to replace QT time or prayer notebooks, but is great for the growing online community, and as people are on computers more and more each day, is nice to have on facebook or in the background as you go to work. This app will also raise awareness of Christ's call for world missions as simple as receiving prayer requests among from your friends, your community, your nation, or the world.

App allows friends to submit prayer requests.

App displays friends that have this facebook app.

Requests are updated by individual users.

Requests can be made by you to remind yourself.

You can view your friends' prayer requests by clicking on your friend.

You can also pray for each friend either daily, monthly, or yearly (easily customizable).

The app will display what prayer requests you have decided to pray for the day.

The app will send you an email each day to see who you are supposed to pray for.

Prayer requests can have a timer such as midterms or events that are going to happen, can be weekly or ongoing.

Eventually hope to partner with major Christian organizations and to even small churches. Clicking on the prayer app on their website will let you sign onto facebook and then you can select how often you wish to pray for that event. Organizations can fully customize prayer requests up to editing a calendar with different prayer requests each day. These prayer requests are available on a calendar and can be viewed daily by friends or as often as they appear in their feed.

Prayers can be updated by text messaging.

Prayers can have statuses such as urgent, moderate, or ongoing.

Praises should also be included.

Prayers should also be grouped by groups that you join such as location Los Angeles and other things, UCLA, etc...

You can subscribe to pray for random people either in the world, or by region or school.

Your prayer requests you can click a box that allows strangers to pray for you, by a group you are in (Los Angeles, UCLA, ICA, or public)

Hoefully will like up to prayer for the world, and we can send prayer requests daily, monthly, or weekly by your commitment to the app and by email. This will pray for different regions of the world, mostly countries, or maybe individual ministries around the world. Inspired by:http://www.operationworld.org/

Is there a better site out there? Everything looks really outdated and unprofessional that I can find. Maybe IHOP?

Hope to be up to date with things like Passion Conference, or Kyrgyzstan civil war. etc... [requires moderators or can partner with some global Christian group]

A blog feature that allows you to either subscribe to blogs on the prayer app to appear in blog, or for blog posts to appear in the app.

Should feature good privacy settings.

Maybe even our own website one day?


What do you think?