I think this has to be the longest overnight shift ever. I think the world has past and it's only been 10 minutes. Tick tock and another 5 minutes pass. I am doing absolutely nothing. Gchat ppl have gone to sleep and I've clicked every single link on my facebook feed. I even read all the entries to the blogs I follow (my latest obsession).
I'm pretty tired. Not getting rest today (even though I don't usually get much rest) means totally crashing as I complete my 24 hr day with less than two 1 hr naps. One nap while listening to a Q&A by Rick Holland and his wife. Which was pretty interesting. It was pretty cool to see college students ask GCC's college pastor random questions, 99% about relationships. I think I want to be a pastor. Maybe... I've been telling myself and the more I look at the future I could never satisfied if my identity was in being an Engineer, or whatever profession. Even being a father and a husband would be nice, but I want to be ministering to people and loving others.
However, growing up in the church has been hard. I've been hurt by alot of things and I never really liked alot of things about the church. It's way too formal and soo many rules you have to obey. But the more I think about church is just another word for family or body of Christ. Matthew 18:20 says "For where two or three come together ni my name, there am I with them." Recently God has really been showing His love through His people. Erick Loh said that even though we don't "need" people, God chooses to love us through people alot of the time. We are relational beings who desire relationships with others. I am so thankful for every one of you. A place to go and study. A place to ask and seek prayer. To spur one another on towards love and good deeds, and to seek God together with each of you.
For the last two years after being hurt or just what God was been brining me through and delivering from, I was totally without any support. Kicked out from under my knees I was helpless. It helped me found my Rock on Christ and trust in Him knowning my relationship with Him is way more important than gold. But it's so nice to have people again. I need to apologize for being a jerk the last two years. I didn't follow people up. I've missed out of two years of what has been going on in my closest friends. I struggled with myself and sin on and off. I was in a constant depressed state where I was of no use to anyone. I rejected company from people despite you calling me your friend. I am unworthy. And humbled to have such an awesome group of people who have been praying for me day in and day out, and ready to accept me back without a blink of an eye. I am blessed. You are my family.
God is soo good. Wow half and hour has passed since writing this. Praise the Lord! Two hours left in my shift. I should probably be panicking about my midterm on Thursday or about getting my VSET letter done. My anxious spirit wants to worry about my relationship with God. "Am I getting closer? Must do more stuff and learn about Him." But I think right now I am just resting. Just sitting and knowing and being still. Quieting my soul and remembering Him this week. This morning, yesterday, last week, last month, last year, two years ago. Oh man He is so awesome. It's nice to have some downtime between myself and God. And it's not a Bible mania super QT, or a frantic cry out for desperation. Just a simple sitting in my CLICC chair and smiling. "God, I'm tired." :]
Too be honest, I'm glad I'm not doing much at the moment. Amongst my busy schedule it's nice to take a break from everything. I can't even fall asleep because I'm at work. So I can think and remember. How am I doing with God? Where is He taking me? Submitting, surrendering, praying.
Oh so random, someone just gchats me and I've never ever heard of them before. This is not that entirely strange since I have like a thousand friends (on facebook, gchat, AIM, etc...) that I'm not entirely sure who they are haha. So I do a search of their sn and their xanga pops up. And I'm like ooh, it's a Christian and I get really excited. Seeing God pop up all over the blog is encouraging seeing AACF tagged as a group and just reading random entries from a complete stranger, wow it's awesome to meet a Christian and it's still a mystery of who they are.
I wonder when people see me if I give off that aura? Do people notice something different? Or am I just a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal? I hope people see God through me, and see His work in my life. There's nothing special about me, I am just a lazy engineer who hates to do his homework. But I hope He's using me.
Anyways, yay only 90 min left of my shift. Maybe I can finish my VSET letter or do my DFD. Here's a cool verse I found yesterday:
"Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers." Heb 2:11
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