lol
okay i promise. this is the last emo blog ever. and my last attempt to cry for help in the most comfortable way i know how to. a blogpost.
dear blog,
life sucks right now. after breaking up with the church and everything i knew that existed. i did like anybody in a breakup would do.
think about what the hell happened?
i gave up so much for her. (i did right? am i just dreaming) overnight twice a week. living in the dorms. leading a smallgroup. going to every event to support her at a time when people were leaving. VSET, staff. I wanted to be everything. Because I believed in her. I believed.
And when push came to shove in a tiring relationship. I could no longer stand on my own two feet. Why is it so hard to love something?
Without support I collapsed. Or started to. Secretly wishing and hoping that some support would come. As I grew weary and vision started to blur i honestly hoped that someone would catch me before I fell to the ground. To sweep me in their arms and say good work. Let's do this together.
I hit the ground.
hard
and alone
and kept falling.
That was June.
Since then I've tried several rebounds. Saddleback. Family. PECC. My old roots. Joyce. Pho and friends. My old habits. Games. Porn. magic the gathering. Final fanatasy.
but you know what? once you've fallen in love, your world turns grey without it.
but this breakup has left me more insecure than i ever thought possible.
who am I?
without her i am nothing. what am i living for? my life has completely disappeared. can i ever fall in love again?
i am so cautious now. so wary. so hurt. everything that remotely reminds me of her drives me insane. i am so defensive. so protective. i cant even do things sometimes. i cant even function. i miss her. or who i thought she was. i loved her. where is she now?
did she ever love me? did she exist? did i just dream her into existence. She made me feel loved. I belonged there. in the church. but for some reason nothing connected. the more i smiled the more my heart sank. because there was no one to share it with. no one to connect to. not in the way i wanted it.
so after months of looking back at what happened? do you know what i want to do. i still want to give her a second chance. i miss her. i loved her. even though she betrayed me. is it a fool's love to love again?
my eyes were disillusioned. i thought she was perfect. i expected her to be. my ideas of perfection were still quite religious. i wasn't totally in sync with reality. my expectations of her far beyond what was real.
i miss her. or maybe more i miss what i thought i was when i was with her. purposeful. loved. how do i get that back? it is a fool's quest.
anyways, like any good person who had just broken up. i expected you guys to be there for me. i'm sorry. i'm a romantic.
visions from tv shows where their friends swoop in to save the hero. no more throwing pity parties. we're here for you.
i mean if you lose your girlfriend you always have your friends right?
well i guess life isn't tv.
i really don't know what i have. i suspect this has more to due about my ability to connect with people than how many friends i 'have'.
i apologize if i am not being clear. it is in my nature to be cryptic. i guess i enjoy having you read me and understand me. you have to figure me out. =]
so here it is pretty straight and simple. i need YOUR help. life is pretty lonely. i didn't even go through the story of the summer, but i feel this adequate enough. basically after living a life so dependent on my lover. i tried living one by myself. to rediscover myself and to figure out who i actually am.
word for the wise, don't try it. its lonely. i did it to protect myself. so i wouldnt have to hurt again wouldnt have to feel again. wouldnt have to be let down again.
but you know what? once youve tasted love. somehow you keep coming back for more.
so im giving you all your bizillionth chance. and you know what. im still hopeful. haha love is blind i guess. but it makes me happy to write this. and honestly i dont expect much anymore. some IMs. maybe a visit from Connie. but when has anyone actually responded to my 'cry for help' posts. I don't know lol.
but with Matt style. The only way I know how to do things. Please tell me how to connect with people. I really only know how to do things one way.
I throw my life at people. story after story. thought after thought. i share. and somehow hope that you'll throw your life back at me. and then we can be friends. and lean on each other. and trust each other. we can be friends.
edit: it's funny. after time and time again. of being hurt. of not connecting. of no one listening to me from blogger land. for all the times you weren't there for me. i still believe. i still keep trying to reconnect. i find that ironic and funny. do you believe in me? will you share your life with me? will you take the chance to trust me? because after all we've been through. I still believe in you.
edit2: or maybe by chance. you don't need me. you already have your God or your special someone. then awesome. im happy for you. cheers to hoping i can find that group and someday share what you have. =]
edit3: i hope i don't regret this post. almost after every post i regret it lol. i can't take back the words i say here. but i think thats part of. sometimes i wish i could write these things and then lock them away. then no one will know of my weaknesses. but i've come too far now. let's see what happens. i have no fear.
you aren't alone. you have no idea how common your experience is. hope knowing that makes it a little easier. it did for me.
ReplyDeleteWhat is love? Why do we pursue it? What is it that drives us to yearn and seek and eventually, fall? These questions having been bothering me recently. This dilemma is one I'm sure you've been through. Recently I've loved and yet hated myself because of that same love. I've loved and tried to stop because I'm afraid of going too deep, afraid of getting hurt. Either way, stopping, starting, continuing, I think I end up hurt every time. I've tried to stop loving, I've tried to stop caring. I have even tried to stop living. Now a days I'm not sure what pushes me on to keep breathing, to keep moving. All I ever wanted was to hold and to be held; all I ever wanted was to love and be loved. But when you're numb because of the pain, you just want the world to end.
ReplyDeleteI get you, I know what you're feeling. You're tired, you're weary. You just want to sit down and rest. You just want to find something you've lost. You just want to give up on everything, yet hold on to that shiver of hope.
I used to think I was alone. That no one could possibly feel the way I do. Could bear such pain and walk around with a mask everyday, but I was wrong. We are all broken, in one way or another. Some people more than others. Someone once told me that God let's us become broken so that he can put us back together again. For some reason, being put back together again seems to take so much longer than the breaking apart part. But in everything, ask and it will be given unto you.
I am not wise or knowledgeable. Neither am I good at counseling or consoling people. But one thing I think I know, and something everyone else does, is pain and the yearning for love. So the little hope I can give you is "there will be a day" so keep holding on to this life. If your heart feels heavy and you think you can't love any more ask God, "give me your eyes" and He will answer. And if you feel alone, if you feel like no one knows you and no one sincerely cares, you're wrong. because We are here for you (even if you don't see us).
As for love, it may be a double edged sword, but one must be extremely careful; do you wield your love, or does love wield you? If you let your love wield you, it will plunge itself into your heart and tear you apart, like it did me. Love is a choice. but once you choose, true love always hopes, always protects, always preservers
the abundantly affectionate
*hug*
ReplyDeleteMatt.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a great guy and you are very compassionate. I really think you really pour your heart out into what you do. Sometimes I might not agree with you, but regardless, you think about others a lot and this is a gift.
Sometimes I feel that how you feel is how you may see things. So at times, I feel alone, negative and misunderstood, but the truth is often quite the opposite of this perception. I do not fully understand the extent of your situation, but I’m sure there is a light in there. It is often our minds that we must fear the most. It’s cliché, but it is quite important to stay positive and give the benefit of the doubt. Be realistic and live life.
One thing that has been tough for me in ministries is fellowship times. There will be a unanimous choice in terms of what to do, without your consent. Perhaps you have a great idea or do not want to do what they ask or are uncomfortable. These are things that need to be raised, or asked and it’s quite tough when in a group mentality. It’s what happens when you are an individual, someone different. I was raised with not many people coming over my house and pretty much in my room most of the time (still do). It was very different exposed to the social life of UCLA.
So I guess what I’m saying is that… Regardless of what ministry you are in, people who like you for who you are will still like you. I know people who try to avoid ex-ministry people… I think that’s ridiculous. Rather than identifying myself as AACF, GOC, KCCC or whatever, I am Brian. I really wish you could come on Tuesdays Matt at 8:30. I’d love to see you there.
I don’t know if my advice helped or if it is “from God”, but I’m trying to understand you and share what I think. I hope your direction changes.