Thanks

The past two days have been really amazing.

The first amazing adventure. God spoke. Finally. In a way that I am continuing trying to understand. He spoke to my emotions. He made me feel again.

I've been living in a dream world, of perfection and imperfection. Of who I wanted to be and couldn't be. Of who I thought everyone expected me to be and how much I failed them. With all these expectations that I put on myself I was drowned and discouraged. I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't think. I lost who I am. Who I was. Who I wanted to be.

And after posting on Friday morning. God gave me a sense of overwhelming peace (a peace that transcends understanding?). I finally believed again. In Him. In me. That I could do things. That everything would be okay. I believed.

The funny thing with belief. It can't be faked. It can't be created. Our hearts are pretty fickle creatures. Sometimes we believe in things that don't make sense. Sometimes we can't believe what is in front of our eyes. But belief changes everything.

It changes our perception of the world. If I believed the sky was purple. Then the sky would appear purple. If I believed I am the happiest man alive, then I can be the happiest man alive. If I believe that I have great friends that are there for me, then I suddenly have great friends. If I believe that I have been abandoned, then I will feel abandoned.

An amazing thing happened on Friday. After being without hope. Trying to forge my own path. Trying to numb the pain by forgoing all emotion. I started to believe again. I started to hope.

I said some pretty nasty things to all of you. I apologize. In my hiding and stealth I ignored the signs. I've been pretty hurt by so many people. That I refused to believe in you. It's easier to hate than believe sometime. Because I am afraid. Afraid of believing and being betrayed. That my belief would be placed in something that isn't real.

But I believe. And God has opened my eyes to see a lot of my own folly. That in my unbelief. The world had adopted a tint of grey. That everything was subpar. But it's funny with a tint of hope, brings many new colors to the world around you.

Thank you. For being there for me. Thank you for wanting to help. Your concern your actions. They mean alot. You guys are amazing. I am truly blessed.

For those wondering how they can help the answer is simple. Help me to keep believing. And believe for me, and with me. Believe that everything will be okay. That everything IS okay. That Life is amazing. Because we have an awesome God. Believe! And share you're unbelief. So we can be in this together.


Waaah haha sorry for the long post. I know many of you were worried so I apologize. For hurtful statements and for causing a ruckus. I do appreciate the attention, and I would love to share my life with you. And hopefully if it's not to scary I would love to see a part of your life too, maybe a little at a time. I love you guys. Thank you. Let's keep on believing.

We're all in this together. <3








Edit: I have a private blog. Would you like access to this private blog? If you want to understand me more then let me know, and give me your email address (gmail?). I would love to include everyone but I think it's better to keep some permissions on it, since I'm applying to jobs and such. It just makes life less complicated. haha. But if you are a coworker, my boss, a friend, or my mommy, just ask and I'll send you the link. =]

help - (editor's title: Release)

lol

okay i promise. this is the last emo blog ever. and my last attempt to cry for help in the most comfortable way i know how to. a blogpost.

dear blog,

life sucks right now. after breaking up with the church and everything i knew that existed. i did like anybody in a breakup would do.

think about what the hell happened?

i gave up so much for her. (i did right? am i just dreaming) overnight twice a week. living in the dorms. leading a smallgroup. going to every event to support her at a time when people were leaving. VSET, staff. I wanted to be everything. Because I believed in her. I believed.


And when push came to shove in a tiring relationship. I could no longer stand on my own two feet. Why is it so hard to love something?

Without support I collapsed. Or started to. Secretly wishing and hoping that some support would come. As I grew weary and vision started to blur i honestly hoped that someone would catch me before I fell to the ground. To sweep me in their arms and say good work. Let's do this together.


I hit the ground.

hard

and alone

and kept falling.

That was June.


Since then I've tried several rebounds. Saddleback. Family. PECC. My old roots. Joyce. Pho and friends. My old habits. Games. Porn. magic the gathering. Final fanatasy.


but you know what? once you've fallen in love, your world turns grey without it.

but this breakup has left me more insecure than i ever thought possible.

who am I?


without her i am nothing. what am i living for? my life has completely disappeared. can i ever fall in love again?

i am so cautious now. so wary. so hurt. everything that remotely reminds me of her drives me insane. i am so defensive. so protective. i cant even do things sometimes. i cant even function. i miss her. or who i thought she was. i loved her. where is she now?

did she ever love me? did she exist? did i just dream her into existence. She made me feel loved. I belonged there. in the church. but for some reason nothing connected. the more i smiled the more my heart sank. because there was no one to share it with. no one to connect to. not in the way i wanted it.

so after months of looking back at what happened? do you know what i want to do. i still want to give her a second chance. i miss her. i loved her. even though she betrayed me. is it a fool's love to love again?

my eyes were disillusioned. i thought she was perfect. i expected her to be. my ideas of perfection were still quite religious. i wasn't totally in sync with reality. my expectations of her far beyond what was real.


i miss her. or maybe more i miss what i thought i was when i was with her. purposeful. loved. how do i get that back? it is a fool's quest.


anyways, like any good person who had just broken up. i expected you guys to be there for me. i'm sorry. i'm a romantic.

visions from tv shows where their friends swoop in to save the hero. no more throwing pity parties. we're here for you.

i mean if you lose your girlfriend you always have your friends right?

well i guess life isn't tv.

i really don't know what i have. i suspect this has more to due about my ability to connect with people than how many friends i 'have'.


i apologize if i am not being clear. it is in my nature to be cryptic. i guess i enjoy having you read me and understand me. you have to figure me out. =]



so here it is pretty straight and simple. i need YOUR help. life is pretty lonely. i didn't even go through the story of the summer, but i feel this adequate enough. basically after living a life so dependent on my lover. i tried living one by myself. to rediscover myself and to figure out who i actually am.

word for the wise, don't try it. its lonely. i did it to protect myself. so i wouldnt have to hurt again wouldnt have to feel again. wouldnt have to be let down again.

but you know what? once youve tasted love. somehow you keep coming back for more.


so im giving you all your bizillionth chance. and you know what. im still hopeful. haha love is blind i guess. but it makes me happy to write this. and honestly i dont expect much anymore. some IMs. maybe a visit from Connie. but when has anyone actually responded to my 'cry for help' posts. I don't know lol.

but with Matt style. The only way I know how to do things. Please tell me how to connect with people. I really only know how to do things one way.

I throw my life at people. story after story. thought after thought. i share. and somehow hope that you'll throw your life back at me. and then we can be friends. and lean on each other. and trust each other. we can be friends.


edit: it's funny. after time and time again. of being hurt. of not connecting. of no one listening to me from blogger land. for all the times you weren't there for me. i still believe. i still keep trying to reconnect. i find that ironic and funny. do you believe in me? will you share your life with me? will you take the chance to trust me? because after all we've been through. I still believe in you.


edit2: or maybe by chance. you don't need me. you already have your God or your special someone. then awesome. im happy for you. cheers to hoping i can find that group and someday share what you have. =]

edit3: i hope i don't regret this post. almost after every post i regret it lol. i can't take back the words i say here. but i think thats part of. sometimes i wish i could write these things and then lock them away. then no one will know of my weaknesses. but i've come too far now. let's see what happens. i have no fear.