Courage & Cowardice (I hate titles)

My first post (ha) and I don't really have anything coherent to say. It's almost midnight here in North Carolina (it's so weird to me that I can't say "on the West Coast" anymore) and I should be in bed cause I have a loooong day tomorrow. But I'm kinda emotionally wired for various reasons so here I am writing instead.

I've been remembering lately what courage it takes to love people. And pursue people. Guys, I love my best friend more than almost anyone else in the whole world. Even though I see her maybe once a year. Even though she doesn't know any of my other friends and doesn't really "get" my current life because it's so far out of her experience. And yet I hadn't called her or spoken to her in a month and a half...until tonight. By far the longest period we've ever gone without communicating.

Why? Well, my first response is "because I'm an idiot". My second, more specific one, is "because I'm afraid". The last time we spoke, she had very definite ideas about what I should do for the summer. I ended up choosing the option that she was totally against. And I didn't call her for a month and a half after that because I was afraid to explain to her, to hear her reaction. I didn't want to hear the polite yet unconcealed disagreement and disappointment in her voice, didn't want to feel small as I explained to her something that I couldn't really logically justify, that I did based on emotion and faith, which are languages she's not really in tune with in this particular instance.

Then she texted me today, saying simply that she loved me and knew which decision I'd made and hoped I was doing okay. Kate is one of the most generous people I know, and I was reminded of that today. It doesn't necessarily mean that she's forgiven me/won't say anything about the decision I made - just that she's forgiven me/is not holding it against me for not talking to her.

So, ridden with guilt and fear and hope, I called her tonight - finally. And got her voicemail. At which I was both disappointed and relieved. I left a message, and I'm going to call her again on Tuesday, after I get back from my camping trip. Please pray for that conversation.

But I guess what this whole thing reminded me of is what a coward I am. I"m so afraid of getting hurt, of feeling like a failure, of hearing my best friend patch over another semi-polite disagreement we have, that I'd rather run and hide for months than actually step up and invest in the relationship. Me, me, mine, mine, my insecurities. If my love for her was less selfish, less focused on me, less fearful, I would've called her a long time ago - because I do know that she needs me, and that she's hurt by my silence.

All of which is to say - 1)I clearly can't love people consistently 2)fear and selfishness must be inextricably linked - I don't know which one creates the other, but for me they're very much tied and 3)this must be what God gives us and makes us then - the opposite. Courage instead of fear, unselfishness and a heart of love instead of selfishness. His love is a burning fire and he promises that it's the same yesterday, today, and forever. I've been asking myself lately why God wants me to change if he loves me. But maybe it's just that I've lost his love in the change - I keep seeing it instead of seeing the bright steadfast love behind it that is so much more important.

Frell my philosophical rambles though - the summary of this post? I'm a coward and I need God.

That is all :)